Subaqueous Alter Ego

Alanis Morissette - Thank You (Video)

2012-02-25T20:28:00.001-08:00

Quote

2012-02-23T20:18:00.001-08:00

Everything will be all right in the end - so if it is not alright ... is it not yet the end...
—line from soon to be release movie "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel"

Section 225 for Coldplay

2012-02-19T00:51:00.001-08:00

Ka-POW!!

2012-02-15T23:06:00.001-08:00

Z.

2012-02-06T22:04:00.001-08:00

Blah.

2012-01-23T20:33:00.001-08:00

SF 49ers lose 17-20 OT to NY Giants in NFC Finals

2012-01-22T21:00:00.000-08:00

2012-01-17T11:35:00.001-08:00

2012-01-12T20:39:00.001-08:00

Pink makes it nicer

2012-01-11T21:34:00.000-08:00

Just want to curl up

2012-01-10T22:19:00.000-08:00

Mmph

2012-01-03T21:18:00.001-08:00

Grouchy

2012-01-02T18:15:00.001-08:00

In the new year, everyone seems grouchy, impatient and unwilling to give - maybe it's just me.

2012

2011-12-31T17:22:00.000-08:00

2011 was hard, lots of hard work, don't know what happened between July and November because it was a complete blur, just way too busy, too much. It was a hard year for many financially. I hope next year is better. Please. It has to be.

2011-11-12T18:42:00.001-08:00

Would rather be 1

Letting it go

2011-11-05T20:53:00.000-07:00

70 years of my family's life is being let go, and it makes me so sad...depressed even. I hope Grandma and Grandpa understand...I did not want to let it go.

RIP Steve Jobs of Apple

2011-10-07T13:44:00.000-07:00

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something -- your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.
—Steve Jobs

9/11 and the Day After

2011-09-11T17:53:00.001-07:00

Back in the day, I traveled frequently for work, but I happened to be home luckily on this day. I got many calls and emails concerned that I was flying somewhere, was I home, was I safe. It was all so surreal seeing what was happening on the news, and I felt so helpless being on the other side of the country. How could this be happening? With such a rush of emotion, confusion and energy pent up wanting to do something, I cleaned my apartment up and down - I don't know, this was my way of dealing with it all.

The next day, I had a business flight to catch from the San Francisco Bay Area to Philadelphia. Being young and defiant, I wanted to take that flight to show that 'they' couldn't keep us down, that 'they' couldn't change us, that 'they' couldn't get away with this. I packed my bags and went to the airport...of course, many people had canceled their flight plans and the airports were quite empty. I rolled my bag forward looking around making my observations, felt unbelivably sad and bewildered, but I kept moving.

I noticed many people in the airport were wearing clothes with the American flag displayed across. We were sad, but people were actually slowly smiling and nodding at each other in acknowledgement because we had a shared experience but we all chose to keep going. I also remember as we boarded and exited our flights, people stopped to sincerely thank the pilots and flight attendants for taking care of us and making sure we arrived at our destinations safely.

I remember 9/11, I remember the day after too - it will all never be forgotten. Peace and prayers to all affected.

You've Got Mail (1998)

2011-08-28T01:18:00.001-07:00

It amazed me that it had been since 1998 when You've Got Mail released. 1998 was when the world of email was just beginning, dial-up, bing bang bong, AOL...you've got mail! And the movie is a romantic comedy between a charming around the corner children's bookstore owner and a big booming business man who ran/owned a big bookstore chain similar to Borders.

Recently, Borders closed its doors (sadly, my Union Square Borders that holds so many good memories, so many leisurely hours walking the bookstore aisles for me over the years is no longer) due to books being sold more over the internet and the popularity of Kindle-like electronic books.

Times have changed - technology, the economy too! And it is interesting how much email, internet and technology in general have changed our lives forever in just 13 years...unbelievable! Even in 1998, life was so much more simpler with less information coming at you constantly in your face...aw the good ol' days!

I Don't Know

2011-07-11T03:15:00.000-07:00

What is this
I don't know
Where do I go
How do I breathe?

Pick Pick Pick

2011-05-08T18:26:00.001-07:00

Change

2011-04-29T19:50:00.000-07:00

Just Shutup

2011-04-16T14:25:00.001-07:00

2011-03-20T23:22:00.001-07:00

❤¸.•*""*•.¸❤ ❤¸.•*""*•.¸❤ ❤¸.•*""*•.¸❤
Post this on the walls of the 12 kickass WOMEN
you know~If you get back 5 you're awesome!!
...❤¸.•*""*•.¸❤ ❤¸.•*""*•.¸❤

Who Cares!

2011-03-20T23:20:00.001-07:00

2011-03-01T20:31:00.000-08:00

Blah. Yeah. Who cares.

Aftermath

2011-02-04T21:34:00.001-08:00

I'm ok. It doesn't just end though.

Don't Know

2011-01-24T18:02:00.000-08:00

Listening to chilled-out ambient downbeats....tomorrow's a big day, they'll tell me, don't know what's going to happen. I like it here, I realize it. Will have to say good-bye to some, maybe all. Saying good-bye to a community I've known for 4 years...sadness all across the board. Just don't know. PMS-ing and lots of tears, emotions that last because I care, I care about these people, not just me. It's everyone. We're all one, one for all, not all for me. Praying for peace and that it all works. Leave it up to faith. Ok. I will try. Yes.

Farewell 2010

2010-12-31T13:49:00.001-08:00

Looking back on 2010, it wasn't a great year, it wasn't a terrible year, it was sort one big blur, I know a lot happened but I can't seem to remember too much. Lived with my bf through ups and downs continually, weekend by weekend...tried to stay connected with friends, went to my reunion, good friends will always be there no matter what...the economy pushed and pulled at everyone's purse strings, I can see the daily strain on everyone's faces. It wasn't an easy year at all for many, and many want this year to be over and erased from memory. I don't blame them...but there are still things in life to be grateful for and just because the clock ticks 2011 doesn't mean all of our problems will disappear just like that. Be grateful for health, happiness, friends, family (most of them...)...hold on for a better day because it will get better. Don't know if we've reached bottom yet with these tough times, but it certainly will start looking up soon. It's got to...people need to stop and be nicer to each other. We're all in survival mode hanging on by weak, broken strings...we need to turn around, look each other in the eyes and smile genuinely as sometimes that's all we've got...Peace.

Flakes Be Gone

2010-08-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

I don't deal with flakes - sorry, you show me your true colors one too many times, buh bye!

Objection

2010-03-06T23:11:00.000-08:00

Superficial
Hurtful
Toxic
Anger
Why even try
Good-bye

Michael Jackson's Last Rehearsal

2009-07-03T21:17:00.001-07:00

King of Pop dies...

2009-06-25T17:54:00.001-07:00

Michael Jackson died on Thursday at age 50 of initally reported cardiac arrest. Since then, I downloaded all of the essential hits from Michael Jackson and the Jacksons...I had been meaning to download some of these songs for months now actually. Listening to some of the songs, especially P.Y.T. and Beat It brings back so many memories from growing up as a child in the 80s. Gosh, I didn't realize how integral Michael Jackson has been in our lives. Amazing. He will be so missed, but his legacy lives on and on and on. Rest in peace, MJ.

Hits Like a Ton of Bricks

2009-04-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

Grandma N. was a tough little lady. She farmed coffee alongside my Grandpa for decades upon decades getting up at the crack of dawn, making that steaming cup of coffee and hot breakfast to get their day going. They had 7 acres of land total and farmed what they could, made a living, raised two boys - my uncle and my dad, had a simple life overlooking the ocean literally on the side of a volcano. She was tough, always questioning, keeping everyone in line, wanting to know what was going, making little jokes to keep things light, teasing in her own way.

My Grandpa passed away, and my Grandma with the help of my uncle carried on without him farming a little less with every year. But still, she had that light in her eyes, that little slight bit of naughtiness. In the three times Greg visited with her with me, he saw a bit of Grandma in me and snickered. If my uncle didn't pick her up on time from the senior activity center, she would walk home with or without sidewalks, stubborn, strong and independent. Greg giggled. "That's where Maile gets it from..."

She was my last grandparent alive, she outlived them. That's her, that's Grandma. We just saw her November of last year, and she was still sprite, giving us relationship advice, telling Greg not to mess with me because "she get sharp teeth" (ha!), telling us to eat some more, busy pulling weeds outside as were getting ready to leave, telling us to come back again soon.

Good night, Grandma, sweet dreams. I can see you smiling and laughing alongside Grandpa again. You two were so cute together. Take good care, rest in peace, I'll miss you. I love you.

2009-04-17T21:14:00.000-07:00

Life is strange...just when you think you're at the top of the world, that you're untouchable, so resilient and proud, life just smacks you right back down to humble you. Life was good, I was enjoying the benefits of being a FT employee at my company and then *smack*, my company gets bought out and our future is uncertain. 2009 comes and I'm a year older wondering what the future will hold - will it get better? Will it get bleaker? Will we have answers? Will we have a resolution? A revolution? Finances are more than tight, re-fi is a nightmare. Just makes me wanna... .... ....just hold on til hopefully a better day. Til then, do everything you can to keep a faint smile, chin up and maintain a shred of sanity because there is no normalcy, no certainty...only that uncertainty is a certainty right now. Do everything and anything to hang in there.

The Hills Season 4 - episode 405

2008-09-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

Hills Drama Trailer!

2008-07-25T19:41:00.001-07:00

Anthony Bourdain Discovered

2008-07-14T20:58:00.001-07:00

I've been sick the past few days, so I caught up on a lot of reading, enjoyed my view and took in a lot of TV, regular and On Demand (caught up on all my "Meerkat Manor" episodes I missed), and through it all, I discovered Anthony Bourdain "No Reservations."

I've seen the title numerous times on the TV Guide under Travel Channel but just always dismissed him as that negative, crotchety old man who never seems to smile or find any joy in life. So, I never bothered to click on him if Samantha Brown wasn't on (I love her!).

Today, I saw he was doing a show on Korea - I love love Korean food, and I know he's all about travel and eating and trying all kinds of local food wherever he goes. So, ok, I gave it a shot. He IS really negative and crotchety and grouchy, but through his travels, he slowly opens his eyes and comes to appreciate life by the end of each trip.

He's got the connections and can really get in there to see what life is like on a real level with the locals, and he's not afraid to eat all of the delicacies like fried lower intestines, stomach linings, chicken and animal butts, literally - he just chomps on them all like they were candy and exclaims that it's all good! And locals get a kick out of his openness!

And by the end of each trip he is laughing and smiling with crinkly eyes - it's just that some time must go by in between each of his shows because he starts each show all grouchy and crotchety again. I guess that's his signature, can't change him! I'm hooked.

Alanis Morissette "My Humps" video

2008-06-12T21:59:00.001-07:00

Orz Boyz

2008-05-09T21:47:00.000-07:00

"Another film at the festival with young boys as protagonists is "Orz Boyz (囧rz男孩)" (Taiwan 2008, 110 min.). In hilarious "Orz Boyz," two mischievous school boys either are busy at school playing pranks on other kids, or imagining themselves off to a faraway world. This is director Gillies Ya-che Yang's (楊雅喆) debut feature, although many know him by his novel "Blue Gate Crossing (藍色大門)," which was later adapted into a feature film. After watching "Orz Boyz," you'll laugh at the trickeries from these two kids, or their teacher."

"Two mischievous and highly imaginative boys spend a hot Taiwanese summer scheming to enter the seaside kingdom of Orz and escape their troubled home lives in this bittersweet, often hilarious tale."

Gina and I went to see this charming film last night, the last night of the San Francisco International Film Festival. I found out about this fest towards the end, but I was so glad to be able to catch this flick at least. It was well-done, the boys were so cute and full of rascalness but still with that little boy charm only wanting to prove their braveness to the world in teeny tiny steps. It made me giggle, laugh and cry all in a couple hours - great films open your eyes and let you see things from a totally different perspective than your own leaving you refreshed and enlightened. This film did that for me. Thank you "Orz Boyz".

Getting It All Out

2008-03-03T18:49:00.000-08:00

I went on a Girls Day Out to Napa with my friend and some of her friends last Saturday. I had met a couple of them awhile ago, but I didn't know them well. Through the day as we were driving through the wine countryside, we got to know each other, opened up and we bonded and shared hardships and helped each other through some of our open wounds. It was so cathartic to open up about some of my pain that they could relate to, therapy with some wine along the way. Who could ask for more?

Gone Too Soon

2008-01-23T18:12:00.001-08:00

Australian actor Heath Ledger died on Tuesday in his apartment in New York at 28. That is just so sad. A young actor on his way to total stardom, one who you knew had longevity in his industry and had potential to be everything he wanted to be and much more. He was a father of a 2-year-old little girl Matilda, a young man who was loved by his family, peers and friends, someone who had smiling eyes and embraced life.

Sweet stories of his kindness and down-to-earthness surface. When you hear similar stories again and again about what a good heart he had, you have to wonder why someone like that would be taken from this earth when he had so much to give and so much to live for. Was he a tortured soul? Was he a candle burning on both ends? Did he deserve to die so young?

Rest in Peace, Heath Ledger...

2008-01-02T19:37:00.000-08:00

If you want to cry your eyes out, laugh til you cry and appreciate the one that you love the most until your eyes are all puffy and you think you just can't cry anymore, go see this flick. It is a keeper.

Bobby B. Gone

2008-01-02T19:22:00.000-08:00

I was so hooked on "Tila Tequila's Shot at Love", and I loved the chemistry between Tila and Bobby, the last man standing whom she picked to begin a shot at love together in the end. But in the end, Bobby supposedly dumped Tila because he couldn't handle her Tila crazy schedule. Only they know the truth, but gosh, couldn't they give it a shot for at least a couple more months? Love is not found in a second, in a shot, give it some time. I think that will be the one regret for both of them that a true shot wasn't given to what could've been. Reality or not, love is hard, but to not give it a chance at all says a lot about whoever threw in the towel first.

2007-12-11T19:52:00.000-08:00

Such a beautifully tragic movie...must see.

I Know I'm Not PMSing

2007-11-30T19:58:00.000-08:00

I started my period 2 days ago so I know I'm not PMSing anymore, but for whatever reason(s), I cry at the drop of a dime. Every and any little thing just makes me tear up - when I think about Greg and our love, when I think about what I've been through personally and emotionally over the last couple years, what I have planned for myself, us, our dreams and how things could so easily just fall apart, how fragile life is as we are all getting older - I just cry.

I'm going to meet my boyfriend's family very soon and I just cry thinking about it - I don't think it is out of nervousness totally, it's hitting me somewhere deep inside because I know something very real is about to happen to me in my life. I feel that life is about to take some major turns, it's all going to be beautiful, I can just feel it. And I just cry.

Maybe it's the holidays when you think about your family & friends, and it's coming to the end of the year when you think about everything you've been through, how much you've changed and grown, and how far you've come. Lately, I don't want to be the life of the party, I don't want to be especially sociable, I just want to be with the ones I care about most, who cares about the rest. Nothing else matters, which all the more just makes me want to cry. What is with all these tears? Maybe I will understand somewhere down the line. I will wait for that day.

There's Always One

2007-11-13T19:23:00.000-08:00

There are those of us who sail through life sometimes smoothly, sometimes through choppy waters, but we sail forward nevertheless. Then, there are those who like to take the wind out of everyone else's sails to try to take us off course - to those, I know you are unhappy with the state of your life and it is no wonder you do not have more people who surround you who are loving and kind and giving. Karma will come back to bite you, and there will be no more sails for you to smash through because you will be forever alone in your own world of hurt. For your sake, I hope you see your ways and make a change.

Wacky Wedding

2007-10-09T13:16:00.000-07:00

I went a wedding this past Sunday of a friend whom I dated briefly back in the day during my Yahoo "period" (it was a phase). We went out a few times, but I was not interested - he didn't speak to me for awhile but we eventually became good friends over time. He met someone, and I was totally happy for him (plus, I had met others too).

At the reception, his sister introduced herself and said, "Well, after all of those Yahoo online dating fiascos, you finally met your match!" I sunk into my chair and my boyfriend asked if I was one of the fiascos. Eeee...it showed all over my face. Then my friend sitting next to me said she was one of them too - what?! Yeah! - she went out with him once and wasn't interested either.

She and I went up to the sister later and had a good chuckle thanking her for not pointing fingers and/or naming names. Funnily, she then proceeded to introduce us to a long-time co-worker of our groom friend who had been tracking his love life over the years - she wanted to know who we were and what we looked like. Wow! And we thought we were innocently going to a wedding for a friend when factoids and tidbits were already known about our linked past with the groom. Ooo!

To add to the light drama, the bride does not like me much because the groom uses me as a pawn against her hanging out with her "ex" occasionally as friends. Oh well, what-ev...!

So, the story goes...hee hee, it was a lotta drama for one wedding, but it sure was interesting and rather fun! Greg sure learned a lot about me during this very eventful evening - ha!

Definition: Gift

2007-08-13T07:53:00.000-07:00

–noun
1. something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present.
2. the act of giving.
3. something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient or without its being earned: Those extra points he got in the game were a total gift.
4. a special ability or capacity; natural endowment; talent: the gift of saying the right thing at the right time.
–verb (used with object)
5. to present with as a gift; bestow gifts upon; endow with.
6. to present (someone) with a gift: just the thing to gift the newlyweds.
[Origin: 1125–75; ME < ON gift; c. OE gift (ME yift) marriage gift; akin to give]

—Related forms
giftless, adjective

—Synonyms 1. donation, contribution, offering, benefaction, endowment, bounty, boon, largess, alms, gratuity, tip, premium, allowance, subsidy, bequest, legacy, inheritance, dowry. See present2. 4. faculty, aptitude, capability, bent, forte, genius, turn, knack.

Broken English

2007-08-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

"Broken English" is such a charming piece, and Parker Posey is priceless here. And that oh so hot French actor guy - oolala, I couldn't keep my eyes off of him and when his eyes stared so cutely into hers, I melted for her. Wow. I'd buy this movie on DVD in a New York minute!

The Waitress

2007-06-19T09:53:00.000-07:00

I knew that the director/producer of "The Waitress" Adrienne Shelly was murdered, but when I saw the movie last week, I didn't realize Adrienne was one of the main actresses in the movie itself. It is rather eerie to think back to the movie now knowing that she is gone way before her time.

No Glide

2007-03-01T21:23:00.000-08:00

Don't use Glide dental floss. My gums bled like crazy when I went to the dentist office yesterday - I thought it was lack of good flossing, those couple nights I didn't brush my teeth or just age. Then, the dental hygenist asked me what kind of floss I use and I said Glide. She said, "No, uh uh, I don't like it..." What? I thought Glide was the best thing in world because it went through my teeth so smoothly without all the fuss and muss, but as it turns out, the hygenist did a poll over time and asked all of her patients who had more bleeding than usual but who also flossed every night - and they all used Glide. So, I'm switching to Johnson & Johnson Reach - tonight! You should too if you are a Glide user.

Forgotten Headlines

2007-01-02T15:05:00.000-08:00

It is so sad that what was front-page, big-news, headlining news just a month ago about James Kim and his family is nowhere to be found in the papers now. Maybe it is better for the family this way as they will be able to move on in peace with less attention focused on them, but it is so sad when the news and media are so cold that yesterday's news is all but forgotten, a faint memory already. What a cold, cold world to only care for a face and name while the news is "hot" and then quickly tossed aside. No wonder we are so disconnected and apathetic. Pathetic...really.

Ode to Kim

2006-12-08T16:00:00.000-08:00

What a sad chain of events it has been over this last week hearing the story of James Kim and his family, their attempt to survive and his death in the end after trekking through such cold and rough terrain to find help. I heard about it first just briefly, but what got me were the sweet pictures of him and his family. Their smiles said it all. You could just feel the love the two parents had for each other, for their children and for their family as a unit. My eyes watered as I read the complete story in yesterday's paper.

Rest in peace, James Kim. Your spirit and bravery lives on.

SF Weekly Cancer Horoscope

2006-10-24T10:14:00.000-07:00

It's almost time to bring an end to your phase of resting and recouping. The self-protective mode has served you well, but if you stay in it much longer it'll begin to backfire. Soon you'll need a wake-up call, an inflammatory summoning. If I were there with you, I might even sing you the opposite of a lullaby--a disturbing yet inspiring rant designed to rouse and agitate and excite you.

~ I guess it's almost time for me to get off my butt and get going. It's a little hard to do that this morning though. ;)

Too Little, Too Late - by JoJo

2006-10-23T18:30:00.000-07:00

Ooh no

Come with me, stay the night
You say the words but boy it don't feel right
What do you expect me to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You take my hand, and you say you've changed
But boy you know your beggin don't fool me
Because to you it's just a game

So let me on down
Cause time has made me strong
I'm starting to move on
I'm gonna say this now
Your chance has come and gone
And you know

It's just too little too late
A little too wrong
And I can't wait
Boy you know all the right things to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You just like the chase
To be real, it doesn't matter anyway (You know it's just too little too late)

I was young and in love
I gave you everything but it wasn't enough
And now you wanna communicate
Go find someone else
In lettin you go, I'm lovin myself
You gotta problem
But don't come askin me for help
Cause ya know

It's just too little too late
A little too wrong
And I can't wait
Boy you know all the right things to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You just like the chase
To be real, it doesn't matter anyway (You know it's just too little too late)

I can love with all of my heart baby
I know I have so much to give (I have so much to give)
With a player like you, I don't have a prayer
That's the way to live, yeah oh

It's just too little, too late
Yeah

It's just too little too late
A little too wrong
And I can't wait
Boy you know all the right things to say (You know it's just too little too late)
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You just like the chase
To be real, it doesn't matter anyway (You know it's just too little too late)

Pretty Blah

2006-10-23T16:43:00.000-07:00

Not all pretty girls are pretty on the inside. They're just posers.

Loss and Life

2006-09-30T09:36:00.000-07:00

Over the last few years, I have lost some "good" friends partly because of things I have done or things I have said, I admit that, and I am sorry. But, I also know that it was not only my fault as these "friends" had issues of their own to deal with, issues that I could not have helped them with by myself, they needed to go off on their own journey to figure their lives out. These people came into my life for a reason for however long they stayed, they were here to meld their lives with me for awhile for years for whatever reason or season. I am thankful for them and wish them well full-heartedly, good-bye, see you soon, see you later, see you, but life goes on. Life is beautiful, good and bad, gain and loss, win and lose, it is all truly good in the grand scheme.

Stifling Pickiness

2006-09-27T23:43:00.000-07:00

I consider myself to be a pretty open-minded person when to comes to life in general - experiences, travel, food, taking chances. I don't try to limit myself to my preferences because you never know what you might be missing. To me, pickiness limits life. If I did that with every new place I have traveled to and with every type of food that is out there and with every life opportunity I have come across, who knows what wonderful life experiences I might be missing out on. If you live in your own bubble and say "I don't like this" and "I don't like that" to one too many things, how are you going to grow and expand your horizons? How are you going to discover what awaits for you to open your senses a little more? Let it go, and try something new, wouldya? Or to that one thing you swore you would never have again, give it another shot. Life does not flourish in a box.

Last Day

2006-09-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

It is my last day at my 6-month contract job. It is bittersweet because although I want to take some time off to do some traveling to figure things out, I grew to like the people I worked with here. I don't know if I'll find a nicer group of people to work with, and they liked me and want me to come back. That's nice, nice to be wanted, needed and appreciated.

I also got used to my routine of going to work, taking the shuttle with the same drivers, sharing an office, going to meetings with my team members, having lunch in the cafe, waving to the shuttle driver on the way home, and arriving at my little abode at six in the evening. Now it is time to say good-bye to that part of my life, have the freedom to do my own thing, and then get right back on the horse later to find another 6-month contract to start anew, fresh and refreshed.

The resident doctor said to me before I left, "Maile, life is long...with many chapters to fill..." Yes, so true. It sent me to tears because it struck a chord, something that I know deep down.

Thank you. Ahhh...I feel strength and faith carrying me through. I know I made the right decision.

Farewell, Andre...

2006-09-03T20:41:00.000-07:00

You'll be sorely missed. Best of luck to you and your family!!

Jealousy

2006-08-28T22:31:00.000-07:00

She said I have many enemies. Hmmm...that made me think. Maybe I do, and I just didn't know it. I know some of my "friends" are jealous of me because of my life because of what I have because of what I have done so far, but I always figured my example would encourage them to go after what they want too. I didn't think it would make enemies of those around me, but maybe it's true. Well, my true friends will always be there no matter what, whether I fly surrounded by success or whether I fall with all my dreams crashing down around me. The true ones will be there, here.

Life Goes On

2006-08-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

Plans change, people come and go and change, old friends stand by your side and hold you up. Life goes on.

Keep Your Titles

2006-08-04T18:44:00.000-07:00

This is the time of year for promotions, but I am happy as a contractor and I will be even more happy to leave the corporate world behind me soon. Titles might mean more money, but they also mean more responsibilities, more time at work and less time at play, more bullshit, and from what I see, an eventual loss in integrity as egos and power-tripping grows and becomes more and more evident and overpowering. Titles or entitlement just are not worth it to me anymore; you can have it as it means zilch to me.

How It Was

2006-07-30T21:26:00.000-07:00

I am selling my furniture piece by piece in preparation, and I cannot help feeling a little sad letting go of these pieces of my life, of at least the last two or three years here in San Francisco. I am letting go of earthly possessions like shedding skin of a snake running free with nothing holding me back, but, still they were pieces of me, they supported me, they held me up, they allowed me to work, to sit, to sleep, to be. Let go.

Quiet of the Night

2006-07-30T21:16:00.000-07:00

I did my laundry tonight as the night fell and the windows were open. I noticed how quiet it was as the sky turned dark purple minute by minute with the remnants of the sun setting. Quiet, peace. There is so much turmoil going on in the world right now, and I said a little prayer to the first little star in the night sky. But for this moment, there was peace. The chimes of the Grace Cathedral sounded nine times, lights flickered in a nearby apartment, life, life is happening out there. Quiet, peace.

Unexpected 6 Months

2006-07-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

I took this 6-month contract job because I was so unhappy in my last job and I needed a different perspective on things in a finite amount of time before making my move Costa Rica, needed to save money and be able to pay my bills without struggling the way I was with my previous job. I thought I could get in and get out clean, no attachments, no strings, just go in, do what I needed to do and move on.

In a twist of natural events, I made some really good friends at my new job, I care about them, my team, and I care about the company and the product we are working on. I use "we" with pride because I am a part of it. At the end of my contract in September, I will probably leave in tears and with many good memories in tow as I pack up and prepare for the next chapter, rather book, of my life.

Thank you for making these last months challenging and for giving me experiences in which I learned what it really means to be a true team member and a family at work.

Andre Bids Farewell

2006-06-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

Wimbledon starts today, but it began with an announcement from legendary tennis player Andre Agassi that he will be retiring this year, this will be his last time at Wimbledon. He will finish the summer season with several major tournaments and then will officially say good-bye at the U.S. Open in the Fall. Wow, I am flabbergasted, although he is 36 and that is the expected and perfect age to retire from professional tennis. But because he is around my age, he is almost an institution to the sport to me as I grew up with him watching him as he changed from his mullet-headed, colorful, big-personality younger days when he was brazen, rebellious and outspoken to his mature, head-shaven, married to another tennis great Steffi Graf, fatherly status (his kids are absolutely adorable!).

His professional tennis career has been a beautiful progression, and it has been wonderful to grow with him as he brought fire and great offensive, aggressive tennis to the sport over the years. Now he is preparing to say good-bye and will probably move onto the senior tour with the likes of Jimmy Connors and John McEnroe and maybe he will play mixed doubles with his wife Steffi, but it is definitely a sad day when it is decided that a legacy is bound to end this year. I look forward to watching him in his remaining matches as I am sure he will not go out lying down but rather with power punches and slick shots at every court angle. Go Andre! Go USA!

Tootle-loo

2006-06-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

It is like something was lifted the minute my feelings were shared. I no longer care about you, and it is ok if the two of us exist in this world.

I Don't Like Zoos

2006-06-10T23:46:00.000-07:00

I don't like the idea of animals being caged up or enclosed in any way. They should be able to run free. If we want to study animals, it should be done in their natural habitat disturbing them as little as possible. Just show me the pictures and data later; I don't need to see them miserable and caged looking back at me through bars or glass.

The only "zoo" I would ever visit again is the Wild Animal Park in San Diego as the animals are grouped the way they would be in the wild in large expansive fields built to mimic their native lands. I still don't like it, but at least the animals are given room to run and breathe as opposed to the likes of a typical zoo.

P.S. I just rented a movie called "An Unfinished Life" and came up with this thought. Go check it out, well done.

You'll Be Missed

2006-06-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

You are heading home today, my crazy little (little! you're taller than me) cousin. It was a mixed blessing that you came to town as you always spice up my life - even though it's quite tasty and spicy as it is! - but I always enjoy being around your fire and angst - just use it in a good way, ok? Take a deep breath and enjoy what you have, your surroundings and the people who appreciate who and what you really are - you know who those people are, they are the only ones who matter, next to what your own heart and soul tell you. You'll be missed, I'm always here for you. Love you!

(Yawn) Bore!

2006-06-06T20:17:00.000-07:00

I don't understand him going out late every night drinking himself to a stupor, then getting up only 5 hours later to workout like a fiend, shower and then go to work walking around dead all day. Everyday every night, it's the same story - and he's my age! There comes a time when that kind of life just has to stop. (Yawn) His way of "life" does not inspire.

Homelessness Guilt

2006-05-11T15:39:00.000-07:00

Every morning when I walk to the Bart station to work, I pass by a number of homeless people. I might smile a little at a few of them, but I do not make direct eye contact out of natural fear. Sadly, I choose to never give them money because I am just not sure where the money will go - towards a drug or drinking habit, towards something that is less desirable in life, or towards a legitimate need like food and water. I just don't know. It's those few dishonest ones who ruin it for the ones who are truly just trying to survive on a donated nickle.

I wonder to myself, how did their lives get like that? I mean, it could happen to the best of us with just a stroke of bad luck, a string of unfortunate events, it could happen to you to me if we didn't have any family or friends to rely on when we found ourselves in a bad spot. It is sad. But then, I think, that I earned my place in this world by educating myself and by working myself up the career ladder, I shouldn't feel guilty for having what I have as it was not just handed to me.

I don't know, I feel a little torn every morning. I could spare a dollar here and a dollar there, but there are too many homeless people who beg for those dollars on a daily basis, how can this problem be truly satisfied if it's merely covered by a temporary band-aid of a few cents from my pocket to an unfortunately, unlucky homeless man? Is he/she ever going to help himself off the streets?

Could've Learned from the Master

2006-05-06T20:55:00.000-07:00

My Grandma O. was the bomb at crocheting - she crocheted doilies, sweaters, scarves with such tiny detail, but we didn't appreciate them the way we should have while she was alive. It was her meditation, crocheting, knitting, it was her center and her way of joyously passing the time as her children and then grandchildren grew all around her, changed, the world changed, and she just contentedly crocheted to her heart's content.

I am starting a knitting class on Tuesday, bought my first few rolls of yarn and beginner needles today, helped out by a kindly lady at the yarn store. I could've learned from my Grandma, but I didn't really appreciate the art that she created then until now. Now I wish she was here to teach me all that she knew, all of her wisdom, all of her patience with her crocheting, knitting, with family, with the world. As long as she could meet needle to yarn in those intricate patterns, all was right in her world and that was always fine with her. Content, happy, simple - that's the way to be.

It Takes All Kinds

2006-05-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

There are all kinds of men out there - jokey ones, strong ones, charming ones, kind ones, charismatic ones, handsome and hot ones - sigh! And, then there are the insecure ones, pushy ones, high-maintenance ones, self-centered ones, ones that just don't get it. All kinds - but it takes all of them to make you realize that the one you've got is the *BEST* one!

Single No More

2006-04-25T16:22:00.000-07:00

I am taken, off the market, closed for business. But you know what? Single guys must have a radar for this because they are coming out of wherever they were hiding before, cute boys in my building smiling at me...oy, leave me alone, I'm spoken for now. A male single friend of mine says men just know when you are more challenging in this way. So, if you're taken too, it's part of the game. If you're single, try to give off this vibe as much as possible.

Left Behind

2006-04-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

Watching a marriage end, one that was seemingly so perfect, is ultimately heart-breaking and makes me think and wonder how it got to that point. A marriage that is meant to be in all of its capacity is not a prison, it still allows you to grow together with screen doors that let you still discover who you are over the years both with this person who is your partner in life and also by yourself because you still are your own person and can still maintain that. Marriage to me is no longer a scary term, it is comfort, it is so much that everybody needs to face this world, it is finding that special someone to not only balance off who you are but to strengthen those strengths you already have. That is beauty and if you are at all lucky enough to find that, you hold onto it and fight to keep it together. How can all of that be given up when you promised this person your life to work things out through thick and thin through the good and the ugly, how could you just decide one day that this isn't for you? Is nothing sacred enough that we keep our promises to each other to commit and hold out til the end? If misery and hopelessness replaces feelings of romance and bliss, then you let it become that way over time.

Not So "Real World"

2006-04-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

This season of "Real World" in Key West is probably going to be the first one that I will not actually watch. Growing up through the years from my college days, I got hooked one way or another on each passing season of "Real World" in New York, Seattle, New Orleans, Philadelphia, Paris, Las Vegas and San Diego even though I got older and they stayed 18-24, there was some reason for me to watch - at least one of the people in the house was charming and appealing enough to watch, friendships and romances developed and unfolded or folded, and being a Sociology major, I was always fascinated by the dynamics of a house made up of such diverse people of varying attitudes, lifestyles and backgrounds. As I got older, I would not watch the beginning of each season thinking I had finally outgrown this show, but somehow in the middle of the season, I'd get hooked again and have to catch up on some marathon weekend. But not this season in Key West, no, I cannot find a reason to watch these kids - whine-y, self-centered, selfish, issued-riddled and drama-infested - there is no redeeming reason for me to tune in weekly. I am finally tuning out, sorry - try again next season, maybe.

2006-04-11T21:56:00.000-07:00

Fu#4ing rain! I said I appreciated it a few blogs back, well fu*( that!! We have had so many days of rain now that feeling the sun on my face now is beyond recognition. Now I know there is no way I could live in Seattle, Portland or London - uh uh, no thank you...it is affecting the hearts and minds of us San Franciscans. We just need some damn sun, thank you very much. And my "friend" said, "Well, it's gorgeous where I am" - fu*! you, and I never cuss - but FU*! you even if you were just kidding and trying to playfully rub it in, I am beyond playing around and being light-hearted. If it does not stop raining soon, I will be clinically depressed in need of alcoholism rehabilitation and intervention - ha! Hee hee, heh heh...eee. ;)

Output Input

2006-04-09T19:57:00.000-07:00

You get what you put out there. If you are negative, you'll get negativity back. I am sorry, but I just don't have the time or energy for people who only have time to complain about their lives, my weekends are too short, and my time is too valuable. Take your girlie-like backlash somewhere else to someone who has nothing better to do but listen to you and grow more negativity on top of their own. There is a reason why I haven't called you or sought out your company or conversation. Ooo ouch.

No More Impala

2006-04-07T10:14:00.000-07:00

After a little more than two years of having my company car silver Chevy Impala, I was a little sad to see it go this morning as the ARI representative picked it up and drove it away. To date, I put 20,000 miles on that car driving all over the Bay Area, to Fresno and even up and down California for various site visits, tuned it up every 5,000 miles religiously, gassed it up for "free" on my company gas card through all the ups and downs of our California gas prices. It was a big boat of a car, one that I had problems parallel parking, whose big dashboard I peered over, whose radio would crackle in and out periodically, but it was "my" car for awhile. Good-bye to those big, round, red tail lights that kept me safe through the miles - it was a good ride, thank you.

25 & So Bitter

2006-04-06T21:50:00.000-07:00

There is someone I know now who is only 25, yet she has job experience under her belt that makes her seem beyond her years, she's obviously smart, and has a strong head on her shoulders. But sadly, I find her quite bitter and very set in her ways already for her age. How is she going to be by the time she gets to my age? Let loose and live a little. Be 25 as it only comes once and then it's gone.

All in the Perspective

2006-04-06T21:43:00.000-07:00

I went to the gym and saw a young woman there who only cleared my nose making her something like four foot nine. I thought life was tough from my perspective at 5 foot and a half inch with flats on amongst some of the towering people here in San Francisco. Although, in my silver years, I might be back down there looking at the world from her perspective. Hee hee.

Rain Rain

2006-04-02T20:34:00.000-07:00

It won't stop I'm telling you, the rain that is. I stayed in all day on this lazy Sunday, then I decided to venture out in the late afternoon as I was beginning to develop cabin fever and thought it would be nice to have some people contact. I dropped off a movie, stopped by the mailbox, and made my way to the gym. It was actually a nice, rain, straight down, no wind to turn my umbrella inside out, I enjoyed my little trot to the gym. Watching the rain fall as I was on my back attempting crunches looking out the window, the rain actually looked nice and peaceful as it gracefully made its way to the ground down below.

Equally enjoyed my walk back home, and took a moment under my building front awning watching the rain come down to meet the puddles down below, peaceful, quiet, soothing. A bit brighter than normal at 7:00 PM as we pushed our clocks forward to "spring forward" an hour last night, the evening light enveloped me and gave me a feeling of hope. From that moment, I decided to enjoy this rain for what it is, cool, cold enough to warrant a cuddle under the blankets, my rotating room heater on, window shades open, enjoying the view as the rain drops drip down on my window panes.

Turnaround

2006-03-30T21:43:00.000-08:00

I go back and forth. I sit here feeling sorry for myself missing my Giuliano wanting to leave now and start my life with him. Then, I look outside at my beautiful San Francisco city...I need to enjoy this NOW! Walking from work through the city looking down at the ground so I don't trip, I have to remind myself to look up and around because these times and special moments are limited for me. Good ol' San Francisco!

Days Numbered

2006-03-26T22:21:00.000-08:00

My time is limited here in San Francisco, but knowing that, I cherish every moment spent here just walking around town or typing away at my laptop in front of my lovely view. Somehow I always knew my time here would be temporary, never expecting the turn of events of this and last year, never thinking it would be sooner than later - so I never took living here for granted, loved it, love it everyday - the ding ding sound of the cable car, the whistle of the hotel frontman hailing a cab for a guest, even the sound of sirens in the night, international languages spoken on every corner, foods of all nations and continents, mild weather, hills of every size and angle, beautiful glistening views of the Bay - an amazing city really. As time continues to alternately fly and stand still, I will love every minute here, every San Francisco minute.

February Be Gone

2006-02-25T20:05:00.000-08:00

Man, February has been a long ass month, the month since my love left back to Costa Rica and the month before I can see him again. Maybe it's because so much has happened, so much has been accomplished towards my goal, so many thoughts have passed through this head of mine that time seemed to stand still. But it's not over yet as I have an interview, a bartending test to take and my present job to contend with in the next few days. Please, February be gone with all the best to happen swiftly and all the bad to take place with minimal pain. I want to be in my baby's arms now.

This Year's Different

2006-02-14T21:06:00.000-08:00

Today is Valentine's Day, and it was actually all right, the first one in a very long time - maybe ever - since I have my real love, Giuliano, now. He gives me a sense of confidence, a feeling of comfort knowing he is my man, my love, my one and only, I feel full and complete. Usually most Valentine's Day, I'd dress in red to overcompensate for my lack of love, walk around with my head down trying to ignore all of the red and decorations in store windows, and feel innerly bitter everytime I saw a couple happily together. But this time, even though my love is not physically here with me, those same decorations I used to look at in disdain filled me today, made me smile and reminded me of my love, filled me with hope, looking to the future. For the first time, I didn't dread this day - a real celebration of l*o*v*e.

Mixed Blessings

2006-02-11T08:05:00.000-08:00

Some days are good when I think I've made decisions for myself, that's it, move on. Then other days, I sway back and forth at least three or four times, unsure, doubting, wondering what-ifs. "Let the road show me the way" and "take your time" as he says, words of the wise, and I know he's right. Let time show me the answers as I don't have it all figured out and wouldn't be expected to. Just be honest and ride it through til the time is right, go back to Costa Rica and make sure it is the right move for me, let it be. Pressures from all sides, one side especially, what to do...take a deep breath and have faith that I will know in time.

He's waiting.... :) ....sigh...I wish I could leave right now.

Stress Paralyzes Me

2006-02-05T10:02:00.000-08:00

Hi, I'm stressed out. I'm making huge life decisions right now - work, home, moving, family, friends - which way do I go, which option is best - June, October - should I quit now, what about money, what about money in the future, will I be able to make it, will they understand, will they support me, will I lose everything, will I find people to stay here and support me. It's all unknown and it's enough to keep me up at nights, lack of sleep, tossing and turning, not helping me stay clear. I need to call friends to bounce off my ideas and thoughts, give me some kind of stability, see through my muck and help me to see clearly again.

One thing I have that I know is true, is the love of Giuliano and my good friends. Thank God for that as their love pulls me through this mess of mine.

Trust Me & Then Let Go

2006-01-30T14:48:00.000-08:00

I have made rash decisions in the past, I have leapt before without really looking, I have made my share of mistakes - but I have learned from all of it, I remember what I need to and let go of the rest. For those who have doubt or fear about my recent decision to leave, trust me that I know what I am doing. It may not look like it, granted, and I may not have all the details, but I am following my heart, my instinct and everything inside me that is telling me to make this change, doing my research. It is time.

The momentum has started and it will be rolling soon, a bit faster than I'm prepared for I'm sure, but I will be going with it with eyes wide open prepared for anything, flexible at each turn, learning, often times the hard way as I normally do. I have been known to back away from people who discourage me as once my sights are set, I move forward, walking, stopping, moving forward when I am ready. If you're onboard with me, great, but don't bring me your baggage and cynicism to try to slow me down. Look into yourself before you try to throw caution to the wind for me. I have my own mission in this life, so let me go or I will move forward without you.

SF Weekly Cancer Horoscope

2006-01-27T21:36:00.000-08:00

Physics instructor David Willey can safely walk barefoot across fields of broken glass. He can also dip his fingers into vats of molten lead and lie sandwiched between two beds of nails without incurring injury. There's no magic involved, he says. He relies solely on his understanding of science. Metaphorically speaking, these are the kinds of feats you'll be able to pull off in the coming week, Cancerian. Like Willey, you shouldn't depend on guesswork or luck. Do as he has done, which is research the laws of nature and use them to accomplish seemingly impossible tricks.

Thank you~*

Moving for Love

2006-01-27T17:38:00.000-08:00

Moving for Love. Wow. Did I expect my life to go this way? No way. Lives bisected and it feels right, timing is everything and it's almost like we came together to save each other, our visions are similar, our life stages are in sync. It is unbelieveable, completely and no one can believe I am about to embark on the biggest adventure thus far of my life. I, most of all, cannot believe it, truly. But as I take baby steps forward, gathering my information, see signs that this is the way I am supposed to go right now, it is becoming more real, a bit more scary, but exciting to the maximum force. Here I GO!

Driving Nowhere in Particular

2006-01-25T19:42:00.000-08:00

Awww...as I was driving around San Francisco today to do some errands, I saw a lot of places where Giuliano have made new memories, something that I will always cherish. We really did cover a lot of San Francisco together - Chinatown, North Beach, Fisherman's Wharf, Japantown, Fillmore, downtown, Union Square, south of Market, financial district, Embarcadero, Golden Gate Bridge, Baker Beach - on foot, in the car, on a cable car. Then, we also went out to South San Francisco, East Bay, up along the coast North of Marin, up to Napa a couple times, Treasure Island - my Impala racked up some miles. I miss my partner in crime, my righthand man, my navigator, the eyes in the back of my head, my hand held, my joy...I miss him so much.

Mixed Blues

2006-01-22T14:01:00.000-08:00

Oy, what a month! Giuliano was here with me in my little studio for a full month, and it was just the right amount of time to get to know each other, have lots of good good times, laughs, a couple of fights, argued it and worked it through - and now he has gone back to Costa Rica. Memories are fresh and smiles surface quickly as well as tears as I miss his goofy smile and sense of humor, his energy, his...but I will be with him again soon as I have reservations to visit him in Costa Rica in early March, to see him and to re-check with myself if Costa Rica could really be a home for me with him. Amazing how a few days of vacation in Quepos with an Italian man can change everything that I knew upside down with a smile and giggle, anticipation of a life that I have only dreamt of. But as time unfolds and a story and the answers that I need come, the picture will become clearer and pieces will fall into place or fall where they may. We shall see. I don't dive into situations head first like I used to in my 20s, but I still love to take a risk or two to shake things up, turn my life sideways and jiggle. That's just me.

A Very Fine Balance

2006-01-02T22:32:00.000-08:00

There is a very fine balance in relationships, all - between wanting and needing, finding that balance between being together and having space to be with yourself with your own thoughts, between reaching out and pulling away gently and lovingly, give and take in smiles in firmness in voice and expression in money in gifts in giving of the self, between lending a hand and letting the other figure things out, stretching yourself for the other and recoiling and being selfish with what is yours, what you want for yourself, possibly moving to another country for love, for a life that could bloom into beauty that could only be imagined to most but could be a reality for us, away from loved ones and friends but only a plane ride away to a paradise for Giuliano and me. There is a fine balance in this relationship, but one that we are willing to discover together.

Quote on a Card

2005-12-20T21:21:00.000-08:00

Out of clutter,
find simplicity.

From discord,
find harmony.

In the middle
of difficulty,
lies opportunity.

- Albert Einstein

Rise high, baby, the coast is clear as all else has fallen away. I am free and will be safe in your arms soon. I can't wait to see you here.

Apples and Oranges

2005-12-18T09:13:00.000-08:00

And persimmons - yum. To compare the two - the TWO - is unfair as they are so different, but my heart has the unfathomable ability to go back and forth, a skill that I wish not to have right now. Sweet and Hot, both strong, both of Italian descent, one's Brazilian, love and like, expressive, 34 and 24, ready to move forward together and ready to move on with life, dark hair, brown eyes that burn through me, more height conducive to me and gigantore, one cooks phenomenally and one eats out, loves and appreciates culture and sort of closed in, lips, hands and chemistry both, thoughtful and not so much, makes me laugh in different ways, cute accents, genuine efforts to speak English and more comfortable with it. I need to concentrate on one and completely drop the other, but my mind of memories and heart of feelings won't let me.

Sound of Rain

2005-12-17T19:17:00.000-08:00

The sound of cars down below driving over rainy pavement is so comforting to me, lulling, better than any music or TV background noise at this moment. Maybe it is because I am glad I am not out there in it as I hear a car screeching by.

Some Take More Time

2005-12-16T19:17:00.000-08:00

Hello, my name is Maile, and I am a slow healer. Ha. Sometimes it takes me years, a little progress, then I digress big time. I am a Cancerian, what can I say. We are just one big walking emotion, we wear our hearts on our sleeves, and although we seem strong, there is warm softness underneath that is vulnerable and bleeds at any given moment. I take a long time to come around. Sometimes it takes replacing him with another who truly moves me, sometimes it takes a bright burst of clarity, realization of something I probably knew all along but denied and pushed down, hanging onto to something that was wrong, unhealthy and simply unattainable. Healing cannot be forced or given a deadline, it just happens, one day *poof* it's over, never completely forgotten but a whole lot is forgiven.