Dare I make myself Vulnerable

Next month is your birthday, we haven't spoken in a long, long time. Dare I buy you a birthday card and greet you hello, open the gates a crack, you might not answer. Do I want to invite you back in my life, possible toxicity and jealousy all over again, or should I just leave you be, hole in my heart, in my soul, out of sight out of mind eventually, but time is taking its sweet time. Lately, I lay still, not moving, waiting for something, don't know what. Too worn out to take any action, any kind of big leap of faith, just still, foot slightly jutting out forward as if to start momentum but not putting it down anywhere. I'll sit on it for awhile before I make a decision, but I may buy a card in case the inclination hits me.