You Don't Have to Worry

Somewhere in "space" earlier this year and more recently, clarity came and it really hit home that you and I have always been better off as friends ~ I know that whole-heartedly now, I believe it, I believe in it, questions are asked without ulterior motive.

I've never had a friendship quite like ours with its ups and downs and time apart, good clean fun times during, in between and after, but I believe in my heart that our friendship is strong because of all that it entails as rich history is never smooth, the good stories always have peaks and valleys, and the good times shine through.

I realize that you and I are very much alike - our outlooks on life, how we live our lives, how others perceive us, even our relations - that is all a wonderful foundation for a friendship held together with an unsaid underlying understanding that no one else will get. I feel that.

And even though there will always be this undeniable thing between us that is tangible and thick in the air, that can be controlled ~ you can truly trust me, no evil intentions live here, only the memories live and a sneaking smile. Hee hee.

I won't kick you to the curb. That lady you graciously helped in my building who grabbed my arm told me to thank you, there aren't too many out there like you, to keep you. I listen to my elders. So, thank you from her and me. You're a keeper. Friends Always, no worries about that.

Close to Losing It

Last night was a rough night, I know it's just a phase that I'll get over soon enough as I must be PMSing on top of it all. But if August doesn't fly by and if Giuliano doesn't get here soon, I might be close to acting out in a very bad way. So I do what I need to do to get through it - have a glass of wine or two, watch funny TV that makes me laugh out loud, blast music through my JBL speakers and iPod, make my own dance floor out of my studio condo, dance out all my angst lights out in front of my skyline view, shower it all off, sit in my Ijoy massage chair for more than two cycles, read magazines til complete exhaustion hits, fall asleep with "The Wedding Planner" playing on the TV background. Zzzzz.zZZzz.....(snore)

It's a new morning. I've already done my dishes, am about to vacuum and then will head off to the gym and work out more angst. Go get a bright coral-colored pedicure and tell my pedicurist about my G as I haven't gotten a pedicure since April prior to my trip to Costa Rica prior to the time when Giuliano fell in love with my pedicured, toe-ringed toes - then spend a million dollars at Target, it's called retail therapy. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, man.

Don't Cha - by The Pussycat Dolls

Baby
Ladies
Fellas
Are you ready?
Let's dance
Baby (ooooh)
I know you like me (I know you like me)
I know you do (I know you do)
That's why whenever I come around
She's all over you (she's all over you)
I know you want it (I know you want it)
It's easy to see (it's easy to see)
And in the back of your mind
I know you should be fucking me (babe)

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don't cha
Don't cha
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?
Don't cha
Don't cha

Fight the feeling (fight the feeling)
Leave it alone (leave it alone)
Cause if it ain't love
It just ain't enough to leave my happy home (my happy home)
Let's keep it friendly (let's keep it friendly)
You have to play fair (you have to play fair)
See I don't care
But I know she ain't gonna wanna share

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don't cha
Don't cha
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?
Don't cha
Don't cha

I know I'm on your mind
I know we'd have a good time
I'm your friend
I'm fun
And I'm fine
I ain't lying
Look at me shine
You ain't blind (you ain't blind)
I know I'm on your mind
I know we'd have a good time
I'm your friend
I'm fun
And I'm fine
I ain't lying
Look at me shine
You ain't blind

I know she loves you (I know she loves you)
So I understand (I understand)
I'd probably be just as crazy about you
If you were my own man
Maybe next lifetime (maybe next lifetime)
Possibly (possibly)
Until then old friend
Your secret is safe with me

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don't cha
Don't cha
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?
Don't cha
Don't cha

~ Means nothing, just song lyrics from my summer theme song according to Blogthings.com

Sometimes I Don't Think I'm Japanese

My last name is Japanese, I look Japanese, but I don't think I really am Japanese per se. I'm a Yonsei, 4th generation Japanese-American. I don't understand or speak Japanese, customs are long gone as I continue to adopt pieces of customs and cultures from all over the world map. My parents understand a little more than they speak Japanese but it was already beginning to fade with their generation big-time.

Although my parents' generation pretty much kept the Japanese-with-Japanese marriage quotient in tact, the Yonsei generation blew it all out of the water marrying outside of our race more than 75% of the time making the Japanese-American race a dying breed. If I get married, I probably will do the same as I have not yet dated a full-Japanese guy.

If you put a Japan Japanese woman next to me, it's like we are a world apart, nothing in common except the food we might eat, you know, the commonality of food is always the last to go. We dress differently, react to life on opposite ends of the spectrum, make priorities upon divergent perspectives - night and day, day and night. We have some of the same surface similarities, but we couldn't be more different on the inside.

Talking to some older caucasian men in their 60s-70s makes me nervous because I've had experiences where the minute I told them I'm Japanese (even with the -American added, it doesn't make a difference), they start talking about WWII and about what the Japanese did - "Uh oh, here we go..." Some slightly older Chinese, Korean and Phillipino men and women get this certain look of slight horror too when I say I'm Japanese (again, the -American added doesn't make a difference) because the Japan Japanese were historically brutal to the people of other Asian countries.

For a college paper for my Japanese-American history class, I attempted to conduct a telephone interview with my grandpa in Hawaii asking him what he was doing in life at the time of Pearl Harbor. He said, "I was at the dentist." No, grandpa, what were you doing with your life at that time? "I was at the dentist!" I asked him in a different way, and he proceeded to impatiently say in his Hawaiian pidgin-laced English, "What for you ask about the past? The past is the past." Clack! He hung up. Hello? Hello? After some time, I thought, maybe my Grandpa O. was much wiser than I thought.

I dipped into taking Japanese taiko drums for a time, and maybe one day I'll make my way to Japan as I've never been there, but I'm much more interested in the rest of the world, in Italy, in South America, in the rest of the U.S. and Hawaii right now. It's not that I'm in denial of being Japanese; my interests simply lie elsewhere. Being here in the U.S. for four generations does that to you - you lose the culture, language and customs (although bits of it will always be there), but in exchange you gain so much more in the way of releasing your boundaries and letting in the beauty beyond what is "yours" ~~ a natural evolution.

The Art of Procrastination

I have a local site visit this morning in San Francisco 10 minutes away according to Yahoo Maps. It's 8:40 AM, I need to be there at 10AM, drive, park, find the site as I've never been there before. I'm pretty much ready, just need to throw on some pants and my nicer sandals, I'm naturally pretty, don't need to do much - ha! Hee hee. I still need to eat. I barely prepared for this visit as I've done this type of visit about 5 times already now, blah blah blah, brief presentation to the site, blah blah blah, say it like I mean it. Just hope and pray they don't have any complicated questions. Thinking about those reports I need to finalize, other small jobs and the report I need to write after this visit. Ooo, just want to go back to bed because I didn't get enough sleep. Ok, push forward, put those pants on, pack up the computer, GO, Go, go, goooooo....zzzzz.z..z.z.... :)

Work Bitterness Still Lives

Even though it's been 6 months since I've officially come over from my old company to the new merged one, I am still bitter about the whole thing - the fact that we were taken over, the fact that I was happy and fine the way things were. I don't find myself completely onboard with this new company, and I'm not motivated to do my job as well as I could. I need to get over my bitterness and move forward as this new company has allowed me to continue my lifestyle without any drastic changes, but my bitterness is still there and I can't make it just go away. I can only acknowledge my feelings at this point and give it more time.

No Love for my Own

I've been busted with a karmic cycle that bites me in the ass over and over again via three different men having to do with women of my own roots, not American, but from everywhere else. One woman who was nameless and faceless to me that I shamelessly hurt years later with a secret dilvugence that should've been kept under wraps has haunted me karmically over the years. What I did came back to me two-fold by two different men of the same name from two different relationships. And even though I was partly at fault as it takes two to tango, trust is forever broken and with that any ties that coulda, woulda, shoulda been there.
I keep my distance.

Prayers for Egypt and the World

And the mayhem and violence continues in Egypt this time. Prayers are sent out to Egypt and more prayers are sent out for the protection of the rest of the world with an exception for those who are responsible for these terribles acts of cowardice and life destruction.

Jude's Loss

Not that I'm into celebrity couples, but I am seriously disappointed in Jude Law and how he cheated on his girlfriend Sienna. I saw a few pictures of them together here and there, and they looked so cute, great rapport, wonderful positive vibe looking into each other's eyes, laughing with those smiley eye wrinkles, talking to each other nose to nose, close, whispering into each other's ears. Ok, maybe I'm into celebrity couples, peaking at People and US Magazine - hee hee, ok it's a guilty pleasure and look through these magazines from cover to cover when I go to Borders.

But seriously, he blew it and he does not deserve her. How could he do that? That leads me to think that he just didn't love Sienna. I mean, people could say all they want that it was just sex with the other woman, but that's bull. If you really love someone, I would hope that even if temptation is right in front of you, that your love would stop you from doing what might be the stupidest and most selfish act in the world. And why in the heck did he have to publicly apologize to her - yeah, eventually his infidelity might've leaked out to the presses, but he publicly humiliated her and made a mockery of their whole relationship in one fell swoop. What an idiot. He's gorgeous but dumber than a box of rocks.

Observation of Three

Three friends whom I've parted ways with over the last year all have something very dark and tragic in common that I'm sure has affected every cell in their bodies - their parents died or vanished when they were young. As a result, the three of them share common characteristics in that they are mad at the world, bitter at life and deeply jealous of people who have everything they do not. I feel sad for them, I do, but their sadness and deep-seated issues need to be dealt with professionally through counseling. Time heals all wounds, but some wounds need a little extra help and in the case of these three, I believe counseling is in order.

Inasmuch, these three made me re-evaluate my life and become ever thankful for all that I have, the solid family I come from who loves me and who has always been there for me, the kind of upbringing I had that they probably always wanted. I was a sort of balance to these three for a time, but I could feel them pulling me down into a world of bitterness where my spirit simply cannot go, so I had to let them go as selfish as that feels sometimes. But always in the end, I wish them all love, peace of mind, a smile and a place where all is well, finally.

Need for the Blue Blue Sea

Being in Las Vegas last weekend, I realized that wherever I live, I need to be by the ocean to breathe and feel peaceful within. Las Vegas is landlocked and the closest source of water is the manmade Lake Mead - that's just not good enough for me. I need a glimpse of the Bay water every once in awhile or at least be in easy access of the ocean, crashing waves, beach, sand and sun to feel grounded and automatically at ease. Maile is not made to live in the Midwest or anywhere inland of 45 minutes of moving water of the ocean, not a lake, not a river - ocean, just ocean.

Brag to Boredom

I had a guy come over the other night to measure my antique desk so that he can install a computer keyboard tray table for me. For some reason, he thinks he is hot just because he is a "jack of all trades" - knows carpentry, how to fix cars, plays rock and classical guitar, you name it he's done it, blah blah blah. But he works at Staples...ok. He just felt the need to brag about his 'fabulous' life and background when I could care less and all of his needless bragging spells I-N-S-E-C-U-R-I-T-Y in capital blaring letters to me. Yawn...
Men, please don't feel the need to tell us every 'wonderful' thing about you within the first 10 minutes of meeting you because after that, it's all downhill, and we might not be at all interested in you anyway. Oooo, ouch - sorry...

Big City Big Life

I thought I was a city girl, but really, I am a girl from the Southern Californian suburbs. There are some days I wonder if I'm cut out to live in this city of San Francisco - the impatient people, people walking by knocking my shoulders, people racing against the lights either driving or walking, blaring horns, taxis cutting me off, people double-parked blocking normal traffic, just plain rudeness, people don't look at each other, snuff each other at any given chance, no chivalry in this town, people suddenly veering into your lane sending your heart rate through the roof, sometimes I just don't feel the love - Where is the love? I experienced one and all of these things today, and it just made we want to stay home and relent. But no, I can't do that, I won't give up ~ I dreamt of living here in the exact spot that I'm in, other days are good and I feel such immense unmeasured joy at the beauty around me. Tomorrow's another day in San Francisco - I'll live it and breathe it, and I will not relent.

Prayers for London

In the sad event of the day in London, perspective is given once again and an unfortunate wake up call is given to the world. The coordinators of this attack on innocent Londoners on busy subway systems should not be called "terrorists" - they are just plain Inhumane. Do they not have hearts, any shred of conscience - how can they have so much hatred inside and so little respect for Life? If anyone's life deserves to hang in the balance, why must these monsters be on this planet any longer?

I saw Italy was on the list as a possible place of the next attack. Now I know not to believe everything in the media, but that makes me worry about my Giuliano. I wish he was here with me...or I wish I was with him back in Costa Rica.

Still Don't See It

Being super critical and so-called "informed" must make you feel temporarily better about yourself, but in the end, I'm sure it doesn't make you a very happy person. Negative energy and insecurity is what I feel from you. Not good enough.