Thursday, October 27, 2005

I Didn't Get It



I didn't get the job I interviewed for on Monday. That's ok. I left it up to the forces out there. If it was meant to be, it was meant to be; if not, then I was meant to stay at this job a little longer until the next opportunity comes along or until whenever it's no longer completely the right fit anymore. Something didn't feel quite right about it anyway, couldn't put my finger on it, probably won't realize it til later, but I tried anyway. I think I had to for some reason. Just to make myself realize that I already have a good thing, that there is lots to be grateful for, a sort of test to see what else is out there and realize that things are fine the way they are for now.

Lives Encircle and Entwine



Funny how your life and mine are entangled somehow with these weird coincidences. There is no explanation except to think that somehow you will always be a part of my life. But, for now, I will let you be to find your own way.

Monday, October 24, 2005

I Am No Drama Queen



I wanted answers, and damn I got them. Now I am more confused than ever. In the meantime, one is flying to me tomorrow, and I want that all to happen and to unfold as naturally as if I were totally free as bird, which I am but not at the same time somehow. But then there is another who wants and expresses and...oy, I just can't take it because I know he is tellling me what is in his heart no questions no doubt. Everything seems to be flying and falling around me all at the same time, spinning me into a world of confusion, nerves and not knowing what's up or down or sideways.

Then there are interviews, work pulling in me in different directions when all I want to do is stay put, everyone wanting my attention, a piece of me, no no no, just let me be and let me work my life out. Is everything all right? - well, yes and no, personal, can't really go into detail with my professional contacts although I'd like to because life is just exploding all around me, everywhere, need to share but gosh, do you really want to know all the sordid details. Need a beer, need my iJoy massage chair and a moment to myself to sort through it, feeling like a mess smack in the middle of my drama. Woo. I feel a little better now.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

I Just Don't Know



I haven't heard from you in awhile, and I don't know where you are. So many thoughts of sorrow go through my head when I think about you now because I held on for as long as I could, but I just don't know if I can hold on any longer, especially now that my heart might be flying off in a new, unexpected direction, can't be helped, lives intersected, crossed and now you and I might be at a breaking point. For all I know, you might be on your way to me, but as our relationship seemed to be at a standstill in my eyes, my life went flying by and I had no control over this beautiful man who came into my life for reasons unknown but I do not question.

I could put a stop to it for you, but I just can't deny myself this man, simply can't, please understand, you might, you might not, either way it will hurt. It will hurt me to hurt you. You see as I don't know if you'll come through, were ever going to, did you mean everything you said, I thought and felt that you did. You said to me that the devil often dances with you and puts a hold on your life causing you pain and suffering. I wish not to be another token to that notion, but I just might if you don't do something now to show me who you are and what you want. My hand reached out to you one more time, but if it's meant to be or not, it will show me either way soon enough.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Visited by the Spirit of My Sweet Pepe



My neighbor's daughter's dog Hank bounded to me down the hallway, and I petted him as I do with all dogs because I love them, all of them. But after taking a closer look at him, he looked just like my dog Pepe who passed away at the end of August at the ripe old age of 17-1/2 years. I gasped as I looked at his face shape and those round brown eyes that looked up at me just like Pepe did. Hank was black, Pepe was sort of a salt and pepper charcoal color, full of spunk and personality. This dog was a tiny bit subdued, but his looks even the splash of white across his chest was just like Pepe's. I dropped down to the floor fighting tears as I petted him memories flooding back. His body shape was the same and the back of his distinctive head of a terrior/cocker spaniel mix that I used to rough up and tease was uncanny. Hank turned around so I'd pet him and then rolled on his back showing me his belly to rub - ahhh, I was visited by the spirit of my beloved Pepe and was given the chance to "play" with him once again. Sniff, I miss my sweet Pepe...

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I Thought I Hurt Him - Nope!



I thought I hurt him with my paused but brutal honesty in the last few moments I saw him, but nope! Good! I'm so glad. He's a good friend of mine for many many years whom I care about but whom I've had special relations with for years now too. I put a stop to things because of my swirl of confused emotions, and I thought I hurt him once again - nope! The truth came out that he is pretty good at separating life and play and...well, hee hee.

All right, all right, good good. And then we went places in conversation I didn't think we could, I could with anyone, such plain straight honesty about subjects that are thought of as taboo off-limits and, well, maybe they are things you might talk about with your good girlfriends who are just as bad as you are without offending anyone or spewing too much information. Ha! It was quite refreshing, a different perspective on things, and very, very eye-opening.

A conversation to be remembered! Nothing can be hidden between us now because it is just all out there! Wooo, better than a cup of coffee!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

"Stick to your Own"



God that felt like a shot to my heart when my friend said that to me, and I wasn't looking at her face when she said it so I was never quite sure if she was kidding or not. Her tone of voice sounded serious though. But the thing is, my "own" doesn't do it for me. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. I need a man who is strong, both physically and on the inside in confidence and inner strength, masculine, slightly macho with a bit of rascalness, humor, strong sensuality, a smile to die for, sense of family and what's important in life, someone who can stand up against me - a strong woman who knows what she wants and knows how to live this life. All those qualities equal that of brown eyes, brown hair, Latin, Italian, Brazilian, strong - that's what attracts me and I can't help that, it has happened over time out of the long line of men I've gone out with. We live in a world, in a country, in a state, in a City where I don't have to stick to my own, and that is the god-given beauty of it. Choices are beautiful and knowing what you want is absolutely priceless.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Letting Go



An ex came back wanting more, but I had to nudge that door closed because there is someone else I am thinking of who is heavy on my heart and I've moved on. I have two, actually, one a bit more immediate than the other right now, next week. I'm already confused so I have to simplify. I'm treading unstable ground and am taking it day by day, letting time do its thing, letting it show me which way to go, who is right for me, either, both, neither, I'll see. I feel uncertain of what I'm doing, but I feel damn lucky to have the love/like of two who both have such wonderful qualities - what did I do to deserve this luck? The need to be honest still pangs at my side, but I will let the right moment come to divulge. Until then, I'm smiling at the world knowing that someone is thinking of me and wants to be by my side right at this moment - ok, maybe this entry doesn't belong on my "darker side" page.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Patience is Wearing Thin



Something changed within me slowly somewhere in the last month, in the last couple months, especially in the last couple weeks, and I am no longer willing to wait losing hope and believing you'll never get here. Been waiting at the edge of my seat since June, July, August, September...now October. I don't think so. I am no longer excited when I receive new communication because it just says more of the same over and over again, exclamation marks at first making it seem more sincere and urgent. I think you really mean what you say, but it doesn't do anything for me anymore, doesn't move me, doesn't twang one single heartstring. I am numb, I feel nothing, don't care. You've kept me waiting too long, I've stretched my patience beyond my normal limits, and now I don't know what it'll take for you to break through to me at this point. You're strong and you know what you want - you've got to come through and show me more than ever now.

Monday, October 10, 2005

How Do I Trust a Beautiful Man?


He is beautiful, the best-looking man I've ever gone out with, those eyes, that face, that body. I can't believe he wants me, ME! He could have anyone, especially with that adorable accent and endearing personality. And now he's not here. How do I know what he's doing, not doing, doing, I have no idea. How do I trust a beautiful man in a city full of beautiful women? My insecurities creep up, and I find myself fearing losing him because of the unknown, real or just in my head. He could be thinking of me right this minute, missing me, and I'm sitting here doubting his intentions. Poor guy, poor me. How do I trust and let go? Maybe I don't trust myself. How do I have faith that I am just as special to him? How do I care without the fear of hurt and disappointment?

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Need to be Honest


I don't want to hold back and I feel myself holding back because I haven't told you everything. I'm preparing to do just that, and I'm nervous. I don't know how you'll react if it'll change things, but I have to be honest, I hope it doesn't change things because I don't want that look in your eyes when you look at me to change. Why do I have to be so darn honest. I feel my heart feeling heavy, and I just have to do it or else it feels like there's a weight on my whole body making it hard for me to stand straight, still, in balance. I care about you so I have to tell you. I want to be fair to you, and I want you to know because I would like to know if the tables were turned. You'll call later. I hope you understand.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Difference Revealed



Initially, I thought we looked the same, and it made me sort of ill. But there was something in your eyes that was different that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Now I know that we are really not the same down to the core, and somehow I feel tremendous relief. You make certain people happy and that's wonderful, but it's not possible for me to not feel slight ill will because of what you've done and how you've affected my relations. Sorry, it's just the truth. But, you gave me peace of mind, an unexpected appreciated gift, thanks. My world continues to spin on its own axis with or without, ignored or acknowledged, I know it'll all work out for the best in the end as friendship always prevails.

Right Here with Me



The NYC subway system was under threat yesterday, and it made me worry because I have friends and a new interest there. I worry. Sometimes I wish everyone I care about was right here with me under my wings, but I have friends all over the country and now all over the world too... We just hope and pray that everyone is safe and happy and enjoy each moment we have together when we're in the same place at the same time. Nothing is taken for granted. Nothing.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

My Heart Leads on



I could've...today, but it didn't happen, and I'm sort of glad because I just...two weeks ago with...and I'm still affected, think about...all the time I see...want to go visit...so bad...because I...and I'm supposed to be...but I couldn't resist...am only human...you should've seen how...unbelievable...so... ... ... And, plus, I just don't know if everything is true to shape and form as what I think is in my head and heart...I just don't know yet. I will just have to see, but the longer I'm made to wait, the more I...

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Drop the "Princess" Attitude


Hanging out with guys is more fun, not only for obvious reasons, but women are catty and petty at times that it just perpetuates this thing out there that women cannot be friends, hang out, really trust each other, and that makes me sad and wonder what can be done to change that. Women are so "me first" and "I'm better" and "I'm cuter" - jealousy and unnecessary sweating the small stuff just swirls around again and again. I don't think I'm totally innocent either, but when I see this phenomena going on and I realize I'm being sucked into the game, I just want to back away and rather be by myself then have to play that just to "keep up", why do I need to keep up and associate with that kind of behavior, it's just completely unnecessary in life and it brings out this ugliness that I don't want to be a part of.

You can go first, you can do what you want, you can have all the attention you want because I'm out and would rather do my own thing than bother with such immaturity and childishness. Give me looks of disdain, compare yourself to me, strive to be better than me, but, in the end it just doesn't matter to me. I know who I am where my heart and head lies. You are different from me, worse or better who cares, and that's just fine.

Brazilian Illiteracy Story from Yahoo

This Illiterate Brazilian's Home Speaks Volumes
By Henry Chu Times Staff Writer
Sun Oct 2, 7:55 AM ET

SAO GONCALO, Brazil — Carlos Leite can barely read a word, but books revolutionized his life.
ADVERTISEMENT


Two years ago, he was doing construction work for a man who was about to toss out six thick, red encyclopedias. Leite asked whether he could have them instead. Thus a dream was born.

Within days, he hit the pavement, knocking on doors, begging people for more unwanted books. No contribution was too small, too big or too arcane. Skeptical members of Leite's cycling club were dragooned into helping him collect donations.

His collection quickly multiplied. The original six volumes turned into 100, then 1,000. Soon, his humble home was bursting with 5,000 books of all types — worn classics, chemistry textbooks, dog-eared thrillers.

To Leite, though, nearly all the books are mysteries. Born into a poor family, he dropped out of school after third grade and, at 51, is practically illiterate.

But books, he knows, are the gateway to a life of greater possibility and more promise than his own. It might be too late for me, a working man, he reasoned, but not for others.

So bloomed the passion that has consumed Leite's free time over the last two years: transforming his home into a public library, free and open to all in this poverty-stricken neighborhood outside Rio de Janeiro. The streets here are unpaved and unweeded, daily life is a struggle and even a single book is an enormous luxury that can cost up to half a week's wages.

To visit Leite's abode now is to see kids doing homework in what used to be his bedroom. Adults browse titles in what was once the foyer. Rainbows of donated paperbacks and hardcovers on almost every imaginable subject, some in crisp condition, others falling apart, cover every available bit of wall space, jammed together so tightly that a knife would have trouble passing between them.

Leite's collection now stands at an astonishing 10,000 volumes, many still packed in boxes or piled in corners waiting to be sorted and shelved. Space is at such a premium that Leite and his companion, Maria da Penha, have had to move into a back alcove with all their belongings, which aren't much.

"This is the only space we have to sleep. Please don't mind that it looks so poor," he told a visitor apologetically as he gingerly picked his way past a precariously leaning wardrobe and a low-slung bed. "The books kicked us out. If we're not careful, the books will kick us out of the back room too."

The house has been christened, as the big, hand-painted sign on the roof proudly announces, the Community Library, 18th Street. On busy afternoons, it's standing room only. Patrons vie for one of the mismatched chairs, which scrape along a floor lined with discarded tiles that Leite and his friends scrounged.

Da Penha, 54, is the den mother, shushing noisy patrons with the severe expression mastered by all good librarians. Like Leite, she is basically illiterate — but aware of the riches crowding her walls, which sometimes invade her sleep.

"I dream that I'm reading them," she said.

What she and Leite have managed to do is all the more remarkable given the daunting hurdles to fostering reading skills and habits in Latin America's largest country. Illiteracy, poverty and the seduction of modern entertainment have made Brazil a country with one of the lowest levels of book-reading in the world. The average American reads five books a year, as does the average Briton. In literary-minded France, that number rises to seven. In Brazil, it's fewer than two.

Brazilians are handicapped by lack of access. Government officials say that nearly 1,000 of the country's 5,500 municipalities have no public library. Buying a book is even less of an option.

As with so many problems here, the lack of access to books reflects and reinforces the vast disparity of wealth that has made Brazil one of the most unequal societies on Earth. Bookstores tend to be clustered in well-off areas like Rio's Zona Sul, or south zone, home to the storied Copacabana and Ipanema beaches; in the city's sprawling northern precincts where millions live, many in slums of unspeakable squalor, bookstores are virtually unknown.

A study in 2001 estimated that 16% of the population owns nearly 75% of all the books in Brazil — hardly surprising considering that a standard paperback routinely sells for about $15, or one-eighth of the minimum monthly salary.

Moreover, illiteracy remains high; 16 million Brazilians older than 15 cannot read or write.

Yet limited access and stubborn illiteracy levels are not the whole story in Brazil, land of sun, samba and soccer.

"There's just not the habit of reading," said Cristina Fernandes Warth, vice president of the Brazilian Editors League. "And now there's competition with other things: cellphones, Internet, DVDs. Let's say there's a shop where there's a book and a CD of the same price. It's the CD that will probably be bought."

The Brazilian government has launched a series of initiatives to improve the situation, including a reduction in taxes on books, a "Hungry for Books" reading drive and a campaign to establish public libraries in all towns and cities.

Leite couldn't wait.

"Those of us who grew up here, we know what the needs of the community are," he said. "I stopped and thought, 'Wait a minute. There's not a single library. The schools have libraries, but there's no public library.' So I said, 'Let's make this dream come true.' "

When he asked members of his small bicycling group to help him collect used books, "they all thought I was a little crazy," he said.

But they humored him, and the nameless cycling club got a moniker: "The Madmen of Sao Goncalo." Or so they seemed at first to the neighbors whose doors they knocked on.

"Some people thought, 'You must be joking. Here in this community, people ask for clothes, but to ask for books!' " said Ronaldo Pena, 48, one of the cyclists.

They inaugurated the library on March 20, 2004, with 100 volumes, most of them literary and historical treatises donated by someone Pena knew. Since then, the group has been amassing books at a feverish pace. Many come from rich Brazilians in whose homes they work as cleaners, handymen and the like.

Because everything is by donation, the collection is eclectic and quixotic, but impressive in scope: from Shakespeare to Agatha Christie, Umberto Eco to political theorist Antonio Gramsci, William Faulkner to James Joyce, not to mention textbooks and reference works. There's no Dewey decimal system, or even strict alphabetical order; books are simply grouped by subject.

"All the material you need is here," said Gabriele Sthefanine Silva Azeveda, a seventh-grader who was busy one recent afternoon copying down information about Central America from an encyclopedia. The nearest public library is 20 minutes away by car — not that many residents here own cars — and her school library is often of little use.

"It has fewer books than here," she said.

Word has spread enough that donations pour in by post, including works by the late Brazilian poet Mario Quintana, whose granddaughter heard about the home library and sent Leite some volumes.

A television station gave the library a computer so that it could maintain a proper inventory, but no one has had time to catalog anything yet.

It's a challenge just to keep the library open Monday through Friday, 9:30 a.m. to 8 p.m., and often later when there's special need: a report due, a test the next day.

"There's a lot of demand," Leite said. "We have lawyers, doctors, teachers, psychologists coming in to do research."

He depends on Da Penha and his friends to staff the library, all of them unpaid. Leite continues to do construction and maintenance work to try to meet the mounting bills. How do you run a library without overhead lights? Or fans to keep patrons cool and books from going moldy on those hot tropical afternoons? Or tape and glue to repair broken spines and torn pages?

Not a single penny has come from official sources — "not from the politicians, not from the government," said Da Penha, who is on medical leave from her job as a cleaning lady at a local school.

"What's here is what we've done ourselves," she said. "We've sacrificed a lot to help the people here. But it's a sacrifice of love."

Sad News for my Bro


I'm up on Brazilian/Argentinian time (4 hours ahead of PST) - I'm all messed up...heheh...

My brother Mike went through grueling physical and psychological training over several months in Southern summer heat for a certain government-related job, and in one fell swoop with one mistake, it was all taken away...all of his hopes and dreams for a future planned in his head and heart gone, vanished, no second chance whatsoever. He is understandably devastated and blames himself, feels like he let us down - no no no on the contrary, my brother, I couldn't be more proud of Mike for making it as far as he did. Many people throughout his training were sent home because they didn't pass incremental tests or they just didn't cut it - he made it all the way through and graduated. I couldn't be more proud of his drive and determination and for him to finish says a lot about his character and strength right there. I know it and see it.

I know how it feels to work for something so hard and then fall flat on my face, crying, feeling like the world is seemingly crashing around, feeling gravity pulling my body to the ground with an unnatural force, but eventually you muster up the strength to get back up again, right foot first then left, and either try again or find a new direction, learn from past experiences and mistakes and take that first step forward with all your might, stumbling, maybe falling again but eventually stabilizing to strength. He'll be all right. I know he will because he comes from the same heart and determinated upbringing that I do, it's in us and nothing will bring us down. We are one of the same and I will send, give him whatever energy I have left to help push him through.

I just returned from my trip and heard about this from my mom early yesterday morning. Because we are brother-sister, because he's not one to come to me when he's down, because we're 12 years apart and were never inherently close, because it's sometimes hard to say these things to your own family, I put a care package together with souvenirs I bought for him and his girlfriend from my trip and included a card that said so much and added the above with additional words of encouragement to "get right back up when you are ready". The card said the following, and it couldn't have said what I want to say to him any better.

I believe in you --
in the things that are important to you
and in the way you choose
to live your life...
I believe that you can accomplish
anything you set out to do,
that you have many talents
and the wisdom to use them well...
I believe that you have what it takes
to overcome obstacles
and to grow from every experience
life brings your way...
I believe in your courage
your compassion,
your integrity,
and your strength.
I believe
in your goodness...
I believe in you.

- Bobbie Burrow

To my brother, Mike, with love
Your Proud Sister,
Maile
(enclosed please find a beach towel with the Brazil flag across it for you, magnets made by Rio local artists for you both, and earrings for Sally - all from wondrous Rio de Janeiro) :)

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Compartmentalization

I don't know how I do it. I love, I make love, I fling, dip, swing, but I always come back because I know he is made of something else, for me. There are some things in this life worth waiting for...I'm waiting in my own Maile way. I like them, not love - my heart belongs to one, just one.