Gone - performed by Kelly Clarkson

what you see's not what you get
with you there's just no measurement
no way to tell what's real from what isn't there
your eyes they sparkled
that's all changed into lies that drop like acid rain
you washed away the best of me
you don't care

you know you did it
I'm gone
to find someone to live for in this world
there's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
just a bridge that I gotta burn
you are wrong
if you think you can walk right through my door
that is just so you
coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

sometimes shattered
never open
nothing matters
when you're broken
that was me whenever I was with you
always ending, always over
back and forth, up and down, like a roller coaster
I am breaking that habit today
you know you did it

there is nothing you can say
sorry doesn't cut it babe
take the hit and walk away
cause I'm gone
doesn't matter what you do
it's what you did that's hurting you
all I needed was the truth
now I'm gone
what you see's not what you get


~ Semi-cheesey, the original American Idol, but I can't help but dance around to this one, the girl's got talent.

Out of Commission

My cough that I thought was getting better last week, has escalated into bronchitis. Laid up in bed, with a temperature of 104 at one point, I am now medicated with antibiotics and cough syrup laced with codeine to knock me out at night - and it works, oh boy, does it work. This is the worst I've felt since a bad viral bout I had while in college. I'm hoping to get better by the time my flight takes off for Costa Rica this weekend. Drugs, sleep, soothing music is all I'm taking in right now.

Postscript

And some time make the time to drive out west
Into Country Clare, along the Flaggy Shore,
In September or October, when the wind
And the light are working off each other
So that the ocean on one side is wild
With foam and glitter, and inland among stones
The surface of a slate-grey lake is lit
By the earthed lightning of a flock of swans,
Their feathers roughed and ruffling, white on white,
Their fully grown headstrong-looking heads
Tucked or cresting or busy underwater.
Useless to think you'll park and capture it
More thoroughly. You are neither here nor there,
A hurry through which known and strange things pass
As big soft buffetings come at the car sideways
And catch the heart off guard and blow it open.

- Seamus Heaney (b. 1939)

~ This scene is probably somewhere in Northern Ireland where the poet is from, but I can envision every detail, can't you? And I love that last line, a nice crescendo to the building drama.

Relapse City

Ugh, I'm sick again. I got slightly better, then I pushed myself, worked hard and now I'm sick again. Made little mistakes all morning at work, so I took it easy this afternoon. Walked with shaky legs around downtown, got lunch, did light errands, sat in Union Square and drank in the sun. Got videotape interviewed for a project by a sweet college student starting off statements you fill in the blank "I am...Maile. I am going...I don't know, who knows. My purpose in life is...to find a balance in life between work and play. One lesson I learned in life is...no regrets." Smile, click, shake of hands - that was cool. But...patience is running thin, don't make me think, don't play with my mind, don't put your regulations on me right now. Sick. Work people are understanding thank goodness, have tomorrow off, Chinese mint/herb patch on my chest, chicken noodle soup, accupuncture appointment tomorrow, pedicure appointment on Saturday. Maybe I just need my vacation to Costa Rica pronto to take it all away. Yeah. 9 more days.

Challenges of Another Kind

Over a span of a year, my last job turned me into a lazy, procrastinating mush - I wasn't as busy, site visits were widespread, I wasn't traveling as hectic-ly as I was before, working from home, not dealing with a daily commute, working in sweats and pjs, no make-up. I was resting, having a life, having to manage a lot of time on my own, left to my own devices. But, this new job is going to escalate to a demanding schedule, and I am like a pinto running on diesel and water. Just chug chug chugging along, not really into it, not trying to find a groove at all because all I want to do is do nothing.

I used to be quite driven, organized, on top of it all, but I've let that all fall by the wayside and frankly, I don't mind sometimes because I'm content. But there are pressures looming - this job, my new boss, my colleagues are going to mind if I don't get my act together soon - and I know this just isn't me deep down. That same driven woman is somewhere in there, not pushed down, but sort of deflected off, on vacation, on snooze. So, how do I get out of this iJoy vacation of the mind, body and soul and onto a more productive me? My mission is to figure out what the first step is. Until then, my iJoy will do just fine.

Agreement

The satisfactions
of agreement are
immediate as sugar -
a melting of the
granular, a syrup
that lingers, shared
not singular.
Many prefer it.

- Kay Ryan (b. 1945)

~ This life is shared. Not one of us is an island made to survive alone; we need each other. Reach out and make an agreement to melt.

Dare I make myself Vulnerable

Next month is your birthday, we haven't spoken in a long, long time. Dare I buy you a birthday card and greet you hello, open the gates a crack, you might not answer. Do I want to invite you back in my life, possible toxicity and jealousy all over again, or should I just leave you be, hole in my heart, in my soul, out of sight out of mind eventually, but time is taking its sweet time. Lately, I lay still, not moving, waiting for something, don't know what. Too worn out to take any action, any kind of big leap of faith, just still, foot slightly jutting out forward as if to start momentum but not putting it down anywhere. I'll sit on it for awhile before I make a decision, but I may buy a card in case the inclination hits me.

Sad about the Pope

Even though I'm not Catholic, Pope John Paul has always been a constant figure in my life through the news media with his pleasant face, God-fearing and loving eyes, gentle smile, hand up greeting the masses, sharing thoughts and scriptures to heal, comfort, and invoke his audience. His health has been deteriorating slowly over the past few years, but he has miraculously held on with a quiet strength, a rock for so many, a touchstone for those who feel lost. It's saddens me to see that he is near death and is barely hanging on - who can rightly so fill his shoes?