Love of a Different Kind

I don't see it, I don't. I'm sorry. It says a lot, something is missing, not sure what. A shot in the dark, a missed target, reaching out for something that is not quite there, a finality that speaks of you, but I don't see the connection or a spiritual fit. However, I may be biased. I care, you know that, enough to let you go, to find your way. My love for you is of a different kind, on another level that doesn't need to be fully expressed as it is out there for no one to claim. It is just there, like fairy dust.
You feel it.

Phobia in the City

When I used to the live in the East Bay, I had a serious phobia of crossing the Bay Bridge and driving in the City, and forget about trying to parallel park on any of these busy streets. Roads didn't make sense to me, I wasn't familiar with the streets, crazy drivers weaving in and out, taxi drivers cutting it way too close, extra busy streets, one-ways, 45-degree hills, honking impatient people - uh uh, anytime there was something going on the City, I took the BART in and had someone pick me up. I was scared, really scared.

Then, I dated someone who lived in the quieter part of the City, so I had no choice but to get over it (I didn't tell him about my phobia until much much later). He gave me directions to his place that took me down Geary Blvd., one of the main fairways - I went straight down it not looking to the sides at the jumble of shops and restaurants, just looking straight ahead looking for my destination street sign - ha! I laugh now! Lucky thing, parking isn't so bad in his area. But it was the same thing on the way home, straight down that same main street not veering off even for a second, not glancing around, just headed straight back to the Bay Bridge back to the Easy Bay without looking back - ha!

Now I LIVE in the City (it's a dream come true to live exactly where I am right now) so I really had to get over it, plus a lot of my work is local right here in the City so I'm expected to drive. I walk a lot though because everything is so near, and I try to use the MUNI bus system when I can, but a couple times a week, I hop in my car to one of my work sites or to my gym or to Trader Joe's - an adventure no doubt and there is no need for a cup of coffee to wake me up because my eyes are wide open. Hee hee. But I'm slowly getting used to the hubbub and becoming more and more familiar with my surroundings.

I still have my hang-ups though. If there's no parking lot of some kind or if I have to parallel park in a busy area, then I don't drive - I take the bus, take a cab or walk. :) When the airport shuttle picks me up or drops me off, I take advantage of the ride to learn new routes (because I only know a couple ways to get to each freeway) and check out areas where I haven't been yet. I'm learning, I'm learning ~ I'll get there, hee hee.

Letting Go of Toxicity

I have let go from three formerly good friends in the last year, and frankly sometimes I feel a bit cold for doing it, but they were toxic for me, it was for the best as sad as it seemed at first. Do you hold onto friends just because they've been a part of your life for what seems like forever because they've been through some hardships with you because they were seemingly there when you needed them? Or one day, do you decide to let them go because of their self-centeredness because of their jealousy because of their innate anger and fear of the world because of their ability to suck all of the positivity and energy out of your soul. All in all, I would rather concentrate my energy on friends with whom there is a natural, unexplained symbiosis ~ simple as that.

To Forgive or Simply Forget

The friend whom I had a falling out with last month is trying to get in contact with me in a roundabout way as I am heading to Philly, where she lives, for some work training this week. I am not ready to see her, and I am certainly not ready to talk to her. I do not think I am angry at her anymore, but I do feel a little bitter towards her. I am just done with her, written her off already, and I have no desire to backtrack.

I am a dreamer, hopeful, and I need to see what is out there for me, try it, give it a shot, no regrets ~ if I get hurt so be it, but I do not think I will. My mind, body and heart tell me that my love is not a fluke, he is real, he is true and that is it ~ no one else needs an explanation as long as I know what is in my heart. I do not need someone to stomp on my hopes for something better, for me, for love. I could be the bigger person and open the door for her, but I don't want to - so I won't.

Heart Ramblings - Saying without Saying

Heart
unknowing
met
changed
forever
short
over
hurt
time
prolonged
time
again
here
and
there
time
others
hold
weird
coincidences
walk
away
done
bitter
vacation
unexpected
love
timing
open
again
pause
again
end
gone
helpless
drink
talk
process
time
better
plans
loving
words
promises
future
love
back
love
talk
understand
space
breather
break
ciao
my
friend...
?
inhale
exhale
just
breathe

A Ruffle, A Rendezvous

Goggles against the windowpane.
Playing chess in gingham.

Split-second snow chandelier.
Underwater constellation of scallops.

A skate frills along the ocean floor--
I don't think it's what I'm looking for.

Equestrian galloping through the rain,
glorious movie-set moon, it isn't

chance if you're waiting for it.

- Matthea Harvey

~ Spontaneity is a good thing.

Cleaning Like it's 9/11

I've been cleaning my place these last couples days with an energy I rarely have - dusting, vacuuming, mopping, wiping off dusty room corners, wiping down my windows, mirrors and countertops, even cleaning my cabinet doors and handles, cleaned my shower and tub, even windexed my shower doors. The last time I had this kind of desire to clean was after 9/11 - I was so angry and frustrated because I felt so helpless like I couldn't do anything, and I had all this energy with nowhere to put it except in the cleanliness of my place, a space where I had some control, I could do something useful and wipe away whatever I was feeling.

When things were out of control at work a few months ago, I walked and wandered for miles around the City like Forrest Gump running from one end of the country to the other. When emotions cannot be expressed or when one doesn't know what to feel, it comes out in other ways. This is my way of dealing with it.

Time - by Sarah McLachlan

Time here all but means nothing just shadows that move 'cross the wall
they keep me company but they don't ask of me they don't say nothing at all

I need just a little more silence, I need just a little more time

You send your thieves to me silently stalking me dragging me into your war
Would you give me no choice in this I know you can't resist trying to re-open a sore

So leave me be, I don't want to argue I just get confused and I come all undone
If I agree well it's just to appease you 'cause I don't remember what we're fighting for

You see love a tight thorny thread that you spin in a circle of gold
to have me to hold me a token for all to see capture to be yours alone

I need just a little more silence yeah I need just a little more time

For courage to pull away there will be hell to pay deeper you cut to the bone

Time here all but means nothing just shadows that move 'cross the walls
They keep me company but they don't ask of me they don't say nothing at all

~ Don't read too much into these lyrics, I've just always liked this song.