Rain

Misty rain all around, orange Chinese lanterns in the Macy's windows down below brightening up the scene, cleansing rain, good to be inside from the cold, wet, dark, drinking hot chocolate, all packed up ready to go, still coughing, fighting it with zinc, cough syrup, my will, feel the rain washing off our streets, watering our trees and plants, feeling it cleanse me too once again, my soul, toxins, pain, flags flapping wildly outside, dishwasher and TV on in the background, wanting to start anew.

Scrutinized to No End

As I was sitting in a meeting feeling the circulation in my legs cease in a closed-in hotel conference room the other day, complaints and negative comments were flying and explanations for procedures were dragging on for hours like slow torture, I thought to myself that maybe it's time for a career change. It's time to get away from this corporate world rat race, especially in my industry where our jobs are continually, endlessly scrutinized within our companies, by our regulatory agents, government and media. I thought I liked my job working with different people, traveling, but now after some years and several jobs later, maybe it's not all it's cracked up to be, and it's time to break-out into something else that is not picked apart under a microscope while we're busy covering our asses with needless documentation and memos-to-file. If not for our suffering economy, more of us would take chances and find jobs that truly fill our souls. I know this isn't it.

Exit

For what we owe to other days,
Before we poisoned him with praise,
May we who shrank to find him weak
Remember that he cannot speak.

For envy that we may recall,
And for our faith before the fall,
May we who are alive be slow
To tell what we shall never know.

For penance he would not confess,
And for the fateful emptiness
Of early triumph undermined,
May we now venture to be kind.

- E.A. Robinson (1869-1935)

Good Friday

Back and Sick as a Dog

Back in the house in San Francisco, so relieved, sitting in my iJoy chair, sleeping in my own bed. My body feels like I touched kryptonite, throat on fire, sniffles, but I don't care right now, just happy to be home for now. My mind's beyond sleep-mode, planning to do nothing but sleep all weekend before I go back to Malvern, PA on Monday for more training - the last of it as a "new" employee, a sort of graduation long-awaited and taken step by step.

Only Time Will Tell

Taking a break from the hubbub downstairs, meetings, projects, presentations and mostly seeing a sea of faces I don't recognize. Everyone here seems to love this company, and all of us coming over are wondering exactly what the attraction is. We're all not quite sure what we got ourselves into, although this is what we wanted all along. Was it just an ego thing, that we just didn't want to be let go? Or did we sincerely want to come over and start again? Many of us are reluctant to go through this change because it wasn't a choice, forced upon us, resentful for going through what we did when we were happy, fine the way we were. We'll just have to see how all of this unfolds with patience and options open just in case.

Thoughts Sent to You

Mikey is someone whom I can never quite let go of, and I tell myself to let time do its thing, but there is something about his soul that is special and is so in tune with mine. Our relationship didn't work out, and I know that that's the way it should be and that we are better off as friends, but I find that hard and difficult to accept as there are certain areas where the pull is just too strong and there is a certain vibe between us that is hard to explain. Being a feeling woman, I cannot completely separate the heartstrings that binds me to him no matter what I do, so I must step away and wait til I'm ready to see him again and be in his energy. This is the 2nd time I've had to do this in the couple years I've known him, and it's taking me considerably longer to feel stronger this time around. I don't know if Mike thinks about me or reads this blog, but I want him to know however way he finds out, that I do think of him, care about him and love him in my own way. See you hopefully soon, my friend.

Our Worst Critics, Ourselves

Ted, our trainer, is the nicest guy, conscientious, non-pushy, gentle, but I feel like he doesn't believe in himself, always second-guessing himself, is way too self-deprecating. He did what I do for a living in Southern CA, then moved to Malvern, PA to be a trainer instead, burnt out as he is a constant perfectionist, "hard on his luck", says he doesn't have a life. He could have it all if he just believed in himself a little more and see what we all see. In his evaluation, I wrote, "Ted, don't be so hard on yourself. We know you know your stuff!" I guess we all have a little bit of Ted in all of us, but slowly as the years go by, I care less and less what people think of me, and I let go of that inner critic more and more. It's all good, we are good, unique individuals who have a lot to bring to this world, just trying to do our best, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Brain on Sleep-Mode

My brain is fried as only so much information can be put in there, and it is at its capacity right now. After which, new info goes in one ear and out the other or "old" information that has been saved and stored for awhile gets pushed out and recycled. The brain has to be able to process all of what was put into it, let it settle out into different departments, compartments, grey area, so that it can refresh and be put to use again tomorrow morning after a sumptuous dinner and drink(s) with good company, a good night's rest and a tasty room-service breakfast. My poor brain, if only I could attach a zip drive to it. Til tomorrow. At least there's a cute guy in my training to distract me. ;)

Breaking the Color Wall

Tara, who is African-American and I, a Japanese-American were discussing the traveling challenges we face as women of color when we are sent all across the country to do our job. Once we cross the borders of our homestate where we comfortably blend in with our neighbors and co-habitors to areas of the lesser known, we get the stares - in astonishment, wonder and in horror like we're some kind of alien sometimes. Are we living in 2005?

Yes, for some in this country, the only exposure they have to people who look like us is on TV, in the news and movies, which, sadly, is a very narrow perspective, but it is the truth. Once, when I was lost in the backcountry roads of Kentucky, I stopped at a local liquor store to ask for directions - the looks of horror I received when I opened the door were stupifying. I laugh now but ohmygosh...I remember three furrow-browed elderly folks in Fort Wayne, Indiana following me with their eyes as I made my way across the airport floor from one end of the room to the other. I wanted to flip them off! - because, my gosh, didn't your momma teach you not to stare? When I had longer hair, I heard a child exclaim, "Look, mom, it's Pocahontas!" or "It's Lucy Liu!" Oy.

Yes, we know, that some things can't be helped, and we can laugh at it all after some time passes, but that doesn't mean it's not a frustrating and sometimes scary element to deal with. We will watch out for our safety and continue to break down those walls of color, nevertheless.

On the Road Again and Again

Granted, I didn't get much sleep last night - my body language and poofy eyes clearly showed my fatigue more than usual this morning. I looked around at the waiting area for my flight at all the weary business travelers who spend the majority of their working week either on a plane or at a meeting away from their home and their families.

We all must go through an initial period of jetsetting business travel when it feels adventurous and fun to stay in different hotels all over the country as we wheel our carry-on and laptop cases through one airport to another, but after some time, the "honeymoon" phase wears off and all we want to do is be home - that hit me hard a little over a year ago. So, now when I travel for work, I procrastinate on packing and you have to drag me to the waiting airport shuttle.

I'm trying to look at it all with new eyes as I remind myself that not everyone has the opportunity to travel for "free" on business and not everyone has seen the beauty of the U.S. as I have seen. I continue to adjust my vision.

Serepta Mason

My life's blossom might have bloomed on all sides
Save for a bitter wind which stunted my petals
On the side of me which you in the village could see.
From the dust I lift a voice of protest:
My flowering side you never saw!
Ye living ones, ye are fools indeed
Who do not know the ways of the wind
And the unseen forces
That govern the processes of life.

- Edgar Lee Masters (1868-1953)

[I don't know what "Serepta Mason" means but that was the title of the poem]

Not Feeling Ready

Maybe I'm not quite ready to go to Philly yet. Am I ready for this change? Am I excited? Am I open to learning new procedures and acclimating to a new company? Truthfully, not really. I thought I was, and I was trying to psyche myself out to be ready, but maybe I'm not. I need a couple more weeks of hibernation, of staying in my cocoon, of resting and doing my thing without any new rules and regulations to hinder my wings from sprouting and being free. Maybe I wasn't at my last company long enough to feel ready for another change quite yet as I was just getting used to the ways things were, just starting to get comfortable, I was beginning to know what I was doing. Well, I'm going to have to be ready for this change because I've got three weeks of hard-core training, lots of new people I need to make a good, happy impression upon, and the cold weather of the east coast awaits - eee...I need the next few days to enjoy life as it is.

One of Those Days

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I did my taxes, and on my first try, I owed over $1000 - what?! I'm taking it to a recommended tax man tomorrow to get a second opinion as I just don't have the mind of an accountant - me, money and numbers just don't mix. Then, I found out I lost Cindy's and my U2 seats because my credit card billing address wasn't updated - o h m y g o s h...we were so looking forward to going next month (glad we went to Duran Duran last week, it was not meant to happen now Cindy consoled me). This Sunday we will try again for their fall tour leg in LA, hopefully we will get tickets and maybe better seats. I still haven't received my new laptop, therefore, I can't do my expense report still from a trip I took three weeks ago. And there's something smelly coming from my kitchen, and I can't figure out what it is. It's just one of those days. So I went to the gym, sweated it out, ate some Middle Eastern food, enjoyed the warm evening in the City, and read mindless magazines at Borders. Not so bad, could be worse.

Man-Boy Oy

I received a call from you that you got fired from your 20th job. You'll be 34 soon, I dated you 14 years ago, and I lament at the fact that you still don't know what you want from this life and you haven't changed much since the boy whom my dad caught me making out with and whom he sternly told "don't mess with her future" to my complete detriment. What do I tell you except "I'm sorry this job didn't work out for you" again and again. You are way too intelligent, sharp and witty to be doing the kind of jobs you've been doing - not that they are not solid stepping stones to the next job that could take you somewhere, but you don't stick with these jobs long enough to prove yourself to form a good reputation. Believe in yourself, show them what you're made of and your potential, don't sell yourself short of the person I know you are. Nothing frustrates me more than watching someone deprive himself of the life he could have if he just took a chance on himself.

Change within a Shell

I guess not everyone is good with change - with me, I find that when I go through change, I go through it and then I want to go to sleep, nap, hibernate to let it settle in. Maybe it comes from being a Cancer crab sign - we come out for awhile, crawl often sideways slowly with lots of stops and starts, feel the sunshine, then we go back in our shell until we feel safe or ready to come out again. Zzzz.z..z..z...

All right, Friends

He wore me down, all right all right, friends - dammit, no matter how much I tried to avoid it, him, he persisted. I didn't think it was possible anymore to be friends after someone ends a relationship - maybe it is but maybe not with everyone. Still.

Inconsolable

I am no consolation prize. Remember how it was because that's all it will be. Hurt no more, something else, next phase.