Monday, August 29, 2005

Thinking of New Orleans

N'awlins, to which I've visited on three different occasions, is one of my favorite U.S. cities, and it was pummeled by torrential rain and wind by Hurricane Katrina today. As the news and pictures online tell of the damage that this natural disaster brought, I am saddened to think of the long-lasting devastation this will mean for New Orleans and its people as poverty is so prevalent and the city thrives on its tourism, a city of some of the best food I've ever had - crawfish etoufee at Mother's, half-shell oysters at the Acme Oyster House, old-school jazz at the Preservation Hall, home of the powder-sugared pastry the beignet with a cafe au lait at Cafe du Monde, indescribable muffaletta sandwiches. Thank goodness, the Superdome provided sufficient shelter for so many of the New Orleans population who could not evacuate in time. I pray that New Orleans will be able to recover soon.

Fire in Your Belly

You need to get a life, honey. You must have nothing else going on as it is clear all you have time to do is check and rage. You must need a reason to have a fire in your belly because that's all you have as trust and self-confidence is nil. Anger is all conjured up in your solo warzone where you are shooting at nothing but your own imagination and insecurities. Well, spin baby spin in an orbit that no one else wants to be a part of. You can have it all because I know deep down that reality will reveal what I already know in time.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

In Loving Memory of Pepe

I have a picture of you and I when you were just a baby and I was 16. If I was technologically savvy, I'd scan it into this blog, but all I can do is describe it. We were sitting outside on a balmy late Spring afternoon in the backyard. You were just a little black blop of a puppy sitting on my lap, dark black fur with just a hint of white at the tip of your chin like a little goatie and a splash of white on your chest as if you were always dressed up in a tiny tux. Your soft puppy fur had little hints of brown at the tips of your ears too. So cute, so tiny - we fell in love with you in a puppy heartbeat. We were going to name you "Oreo" but that didn't really roll off the tongue, so we chose Pepe which in Hawaiian means "baby" and also "low to the ground", both were quite fitting for you, hee hee.

My parents paid a whopping $20 to one of my dad's students whose dog just had a full litter of half cocker spaniel half terrier mutt pups. Mom and dad picked you because you were the most rascal one, toppling over your brothers and sisters and yanking at the window drapes. Off you went in a box special delivery for me, my first pet, and I squealed and screamed as you rolled out to greet me. I remember that day so clearly even though that was over 17 years ago.

You gave us such joy over the years and made us laugh to tears with your little antics. You used to cock your head from side to side when we talked to you in high tones as if you were trying so hard to understand us. You chased empty tofu containers, soda cans and tissue boxes around the patio - such a penny-pinching pup. You lounged in strawberry boxes and acted bravely around lizards and crickets until they jumped or moved, then you'd run away barking with complete puppy fear. One day, I let you free in my elementary school yard, and I swear you were flying from the exhilaration of freedom in that large space span. You'd peak around corners and half-closed drapes, so shy, yeah right, so cute. You were so playfully possessive of your toys trying ever so hard to hide them under your little paws as we teased you and threw your play toys down the hall after which you run after them with gusto skidding to a stop just in time. And no matter how quietly we opened snack packages for ourselves, even though you seemingly lost your hearing and even though we thought you were at the other end of the house, there appeared that little black shadow peering at us glimpsed from the corner of our eyes, your big curious eyes, hoping for a tastey treat - ha! Your puppy doctor said you were "gorgeous, beautiful" - every pet-owner is partial to theirs but in this case, this summation was very true, very true in indeed. "Pepe, you're so cute!" we'd exclaim to you, and you looked at us as if to say, "I know." Hee hee.

Don't leave doors half closed because Pepe burst right through them whether you were decently dressed or not. I'd be peacefully sleeping, and you'd push my half-closed door (I didn't want you to bonk your head so I never really closed it) open with your head, march into my room in the morning and playfully bump the side of my mattress just so I'd wake up and pet you on the head and greet you "good morning". I put you in the back of my yellow convertible rental Mustang, and the joy and wonderment on your face was absolutely priceless, big eyes, head whipping around, tongue wagging, when I eased the top down, hee hee. You became an indoor dog, but we'd let you outside in the backyard periodically to do your little yard inspections making sure everything was in line, nose to the ground, sniffing around following your nose from end to end of our yard. As my Grandma O. would weed the grass, you'd lay next to her as if making sure she did a good job, inspector Pepe. I moved away to college, grad school and eventually to live in the Bay Area, and everytime I'd come back to visit, it would take you a little time to recognize me. Something like an hour after my arrival, I'd see this lightbulb go off in your mind and this look in your eyes as it finally clicked in your memory as to who I was, classic look of epiphany, so funny, sort of absent-minded just like your owner. Hee hee.

As you got older, you couldn't walk anymore due to arthritis, but you were still bright-eyed, happy-spirited with a healthy appetite as usual, and people still always mistook you for a puppy with your cute baby face and little body. You'd bark at 4:30 PM every evening signifying to everyone in the house that it was your dinnertime; even though your doggie age was starting to show, you sure knew what time it was when it came to your tummy. You loved milk, cottage cheese, jellybeans, raisins, grapes and, of course, your doggie treats in addition to your regular food which you feverishly chomped down everytime like you hadn't eaten for days. You didn't like tofu though, bloop, you'd spit it out whole even if we tried to hide it in your regular food. Funny.

And when we took you to your doctor for the very last time to put a stop to your suffering as a 17-1/2 year old, 90-something year old in dog years, you had this amazing peaceful look of content as if to say "I'm ready to go", "I'm ok with this", "I'm happy with the life you've given me". You went quietly and peacefully surrounded by us so loved, yes, so loved. We will always love you. You were a part of my life for more than half of it which is totally unbelievable, a true rarity of a dog. It's going to be strange without you in the house and everything reminds us of you...but the memories live on and on. Rest in peace, my dear Pepe.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Sonnet XXV

As in the midst of battle there is room
For thoughts of love, and in foul sin for mirth;
As gossips whisper of a trinket's worth
Spied by the death-bed's flickering candle-gloom;
As in the crevices of Caesar's tomb
The sweet herbs flourish on a little earth;
So in this great disaster of our birth
We can be happy, and forget our doom.
For morning, with a ray of tenderest joy
Gilding the iron heaven, hides the truth,
And evening gently woos us to employ
Our grief in idle catches. Such is youth;
'Til from that summer's trance we wake, to find
Despair before us, vanity behind.

- George Santayana (1863-1952)

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Pepe, my Baby Love Forever

My dog Pepe, 17 and almost a half, my constant companion while growing up, is not doing so well these days...we were expecting this but we thought our miracle dog who wasn't expected to reach his birthday in April would hang on a little longer. Go in peace without pain, my baby love forever, or hold on somehow til I come home in a couple weeks so I can kiss you and hold you one last time. Memories flash back of you as a scampering little pup running to me...

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Playland for Expression

That's all - keep it light and airy, baby, because life is too short to be taken seriously. Blogs are blogs and comments are comments, and I wouldn't change anything I wouldn't normally do for anybody hear me loud and clear. On these blogs, I am allowed to have free reign to express whatever is swimming in this head of mine, emotions that fly and soar and sometimes plummet to the ground bumbling and flopping with nowhere else to go but here to get it out there so I can start to work it out. I can laugh and smile and love, and I can bitch and moan and have whatever prejudices I want. So what? This is my blog - take it or leave it or X out. Judge me if you want, but if you don't know me and all that makes Maile, then I don't really care what you think. And I'll comment wherever the hell I want, whenever I want, however I want - delete it, comment back, whatever, baby, whatever. This is Blogville so live it.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Not Sure Why

I have no energy. All this week. Can barely get up in the morning. Called in sick yesterday, and I thought that helped. Nope. I'm not sure what's going on. I'm slowly cleaning up the clutter in my little studio wondering if the mess around me has something to do with it. Barely keeping my head up in this fog, the fog outside my window, in my head. Been feeling absent-minded all day, making little mistakes, tripping on cracks in the sidewalk, bumping into people because I'm not quite walking straight, my hearing seems plugged, easily distracted.

I had to have the guy at Kinko's take my picture 15 times for my Brasilian VISA because I kept blinking - at least he was nice and made me laugh which didn't help me keep my eyes opened when that flash went off, ended up not liking the picture anyway, jumped through hoops at the Brazilian General Consulate, didn't succeed on my first try at getting my VISA. Overly sensitive, feeling ignored by friends...maybe I'm just pms'ing. Hmmm...? It's just one of those days, one of those weeks.

"If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I’ll know everything is alright
Breathe
Every little piece of me
You’ll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe..."

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

2nd Down in Venezuela...

I am not sure what is happening out there, who or what is to blame, but 160 passengers and crew all died today in a plane crash in Venezuela on a flight enroute to Martinique. Prayers and thoughts go out to the families who survive those who passed in this tragedy as well. Let this cycle end now.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

"Flight Patterns" @ Thoughts in Flight

In light of the Helios flight tragedy today and seeing images of the mothers' pain of not knowing if their loved ones were on that specific flight, when I travel, I would like to list my flight itinerary on my "Thoughts in Flight" page on or around the date that I travel. I don't fly as much as I used to, but I would not want my mom to wonder if I was on a tragic flight ever. I don't always have time to let her know my flight itinerary, but I would hope someone would let her know for certain if anything were to happen to me.
.........
I was scheduled to fly to Philadelphia the day after 9/11 occurred. My friends knew I traveled frequently for work all across the country so I received emails and telephone calls asking if I was ok. I was home, thank God. But, I flew to Philadelphia the following Sunday even though it was so soon after 9/11. I was determined not to let terrorists change my life, I was not going to lay down and be scared to fly again, my passion and love for travel was just too strong. So I went, a little shaky but I went.

My American Airlines flight required me to change planes in Dallas Fort Worth. I remember passengers wearing tee shirts with the American flag strewn all over like it was the 4th of July, we graciously thanked the pilots for getting us there safe, tears came to people's eyes as they passed, and the pilots thanked us for braving the skies too, a unity among us was palpable and touching. I'll never forget that, such emotion and pride in the freedom of our country, temporarily infringed but soon to recover.

After 9/11, it is ingrained in me that life and loved ones are never to be taken for granted, and that life is lived without regret in peace with hope, thankfully. Amen. Peace to Flight 522.

Flight 522 Down

It is a sad day for the 121 passengers and flight crew on the Helios flight from Cypress to Greece today. Online I saw images of the airplane tail and mothers crying for their lost loved ones, one mother wasn't sure if her son, a pilot, was on that flight as she cried in agony from the uncertainty. It broke my heart. I went to the gym later today and the TVs were blaring the news - no survivors - my eyes filled with tears at the thought of the anguish the families must be feeling for the lives lost, a bittersweet reminder how precious life is. The text message sent from one passenger to his cousin seconds before the crash hauntingly stated that the pilot was unconscious and that he and the other passengers were frozen. Let the angels warm their hands and carry their souls up to the heavenly skies. Peace. Amen.

Deep Dark and Dank

Feeling the above, the movie "Hotel" with its all-star cast that left me thinking, "What the..." was all too fitting for the mood.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Ghost Left a Message

Strange to hear your voice on the answering machine after some time, you want me to open the door again when I made it clear I wanted it slammed shut, toxic ones good bye, I was willing to let you go on your merry way. You gave me space, time to "cool off" - do I want that door open again, I don't know. I'll let the inclination hit if it does. You told me once that there is something about me that makes me unforgettable. You thought of me so you called, that's kind of nice...but I am just not sure if I want to turn the knob of that door as it might be best kept shut.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

I'm No Quitter

But sometimes I want to give up.
Visit is pushed off again.
Not his fault.
Conditions out of his control.
But...
It's too hard sometimes.
I just want to give up.
I'll give it some time.
Then he'll say something sweet
something I feel
comes from his heart.
And I'm pulled right back in.
Is he as frustrated as I am?
I don't know.
Our conversations, our emails
don't go in that direction.
And that's ok because
I might say something
I might regret.
I just keep waiting
Keeping busy
Trying not to think about it
That's all I've been doing this whole
summer...
waiting
hoping
and waiting some more.
But something shows through.
My neighbor friends saw it
asked what was wrong.
I can't hide things that
are going on inside.
He'll get here when he gets here
I keep telling myself
friends encourage
but...when am going to get some good news from him?

Yo no soy un desertor

Pero a veces yo quiero abandonar.
Su visita se aplaza otra vez.
No es su defecto.
Hay las condiciones fuera de su control.
Pero..
Es difícil para mí a veces.
Yo sólo quiero al reliquish.
Yo lo daré algún tiempo.
Entonces él dirá algo dulce
algo yo me siento
viene del corazón.
Y tengo razón donde
soy supuesto ser.
¿GG es tan frustrado como soy?
Yo no sé.
Las conversaciones, nuestros correos electrónicos
no van por esa carretera.
Y eso es fino
porque yo quizás diga
algo yo quizás lamente.
Acabo de esperar de mantener.
Mantendré ocupado.
Trato de no pensar acerca de lo.
Pero eso es todo
he estado haciendo
este verano entero...
Esperar que espera
y espera algunos más.
Pero la tristeza se ve.
Mis amigos del vecino lo vieron.
Ellos pidieron
lo que estaba equivocado.
Yo no puedo esconder
las cosas que
cambian adentro.
El llegará cuando él llega
Mantengo decirme.
Mis amigos me alentan
pero...
¿Recibiré cuándo algunas buenas noticias de él?

~ Feeling blue always sounds better in Spanish.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Another Reason to Quit

Please stop smoking, you know who you are. The death of media journalist Peter Jennings is another reason to quit, and there are far too many reasons to quit, which you know all too well. He was too young to die...from lung cancer from being a long-time heavy-smoker. I remember most how his voice comforted me during the horrendous times of September 11th, a face and voice that carried us through the years. And now he's gone. Don't follow his star.

American Boys, Italian Man

I need a man who is strong in mind, body, heart and soul. I need someone who is strong inside who knows who he is, what he wants, where he's going, who goes for it and is committed to it. Who is solid to the core, who can stand up against me, an accomplished strong woman who is constantly striving for more, who is sure of herself, where she comes from and where she's going. I don't need a boy, I need a man. I haven't found him here yet in the U.S.

I found all of that in someone who is not from our soil. He is from Milan, Italy with Sicilian roots who wants to a build a new life in Costa Rica, a beautiful man inside and out with a heart that emits so much light and love like no other heart I've ever known. I didn't know what I was missing until I met him, my Giuliano. It took a trip to Costa Rica to get away from everything here to open my eyes to the extraordinary beauty in a man above and beyond the typical weary American I have encountered over and over again (excluding my American male friends whom I love).
Sigh, finally.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Grow Trust or Leave

To my guy friends' girlfriends I've always been a threat, their tone of voice changes when my name comes up, and their posture changes to a slight slump. Get some self-confidence and trust your man to know the difference between you and a really hot chick named Maile he has as a friend. Trust your man or leave because you're not helping this world spin on the simpatico axis it's meant to be on if you don't trust in love.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Bow Down to No One

I stopped going to my Japanese taiko class a month ago. I think it was this particular taiko dojo that didn't quite jive with me, but it could be all of them if they are run similarly. A respected sensei taught the class, that's wonderful and good, but whenever he entered the dojo, we had to turn around, yell out respects and bow. I didn't really like that. I mean, during day to day business, I answer to my company, live up to expectations and deadlines on an ongoing basis. I just wanted to play drums and have fun.

Even when we entered the dojo, we were told to yell out greetings to everyone and bow. I just wanted to wave "hello" and smile, but that wasn't the thing to do. I was told to go back and do it correctly over and over again. Nope, I don't like structure I guess, I don't like to be told what to do, don't fence me in. We had to do something similar when we left too. Oh brother, "see ya next week!" I don't feel comfortable bowing to anyone, maybe I have problems with authority.

At the beginning and end of class, we stood in line according to who has been there longer all the way down. I guess none of the these things really matter to me. Respect is given through showing up on a consistent basis and reflecting back to you how much class is enjoyed through and through. It should be natural and not forced. Being forced to show respect makes me respect you less, the rebel in me. Rank and file doesn't mean anything to me either. You could take lessons for 10 years and not be terribly good if you don't have heart or rhythm, or you could be naturally talented, pick it up quick and shoot to the top of the class. Way to make the newcomers lower than the rest from the beginning.

Uh uh, Maile doesn't play that. Plus, I was worried about becoming deaf before my time from all that drumming. It just wasn't my calling.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Stay Away Til Further Notice

In a bad mood
constantly
Get out of my way
I want to drive 90+ mph
No cops please
Free road
Not rage
but something like it
Need
Lightning energy
Nowhere to put it
Hit
Move furniture
Move the car with my bare hands
Tear off my window blinds
Clean all the windows on a scaffold
All of them
Sing at the top of my lungs
Roar
Throat hoarse
Possible damage
Don't care
Walking fast on the treadmill
3.7 mph
Arms swinging
iPod
Look of hell
Legs about to fall off
Knees buckle
Sweat
Sweat
Sweat
Water now
Throw
Smash
Temporarily feel better
Glass breaking
Over and over again
Clean
Vacuum
Organize
Put away
Laundry
All done