Wondering How You're Truly Coping

My sister, my good, best friend found something, something that has led to tests and further examination of an ailment that runs through her family. Many thoughts run through my mind, but mostly I'm wondering how she's truly coping with it all. The unknown can be hard and the waiting even harder - you just want answers, just want to know what's going on so that it can be remedied so you can move on. Thoughts of what-if creep into your head, and you start to think about everything from birth to death and all that comes in between, you look at the world and life differently, the little things don't matter anymore, and all you want to do is feel normal inside, physically and emotionally.

I am grateful that she checks on a regular basis, hopefully it is benign, but if it's not then she most likely caught it early and can get it treated. I pray and hope for her well-being. Just know that you are loved and I am here for you either way through it all up and down backward and forward no way around it. People are probably telling you not to worry, and I know that's hard not to do - give me some of your worries to ease your burden.

My Old Friend, the Moon

Gorgeous bright white moon shines through the San Francisco fog, gleaming, almost making me squint from its brightness through the night and the faint lights of the financial district and Union Square as if to say "Hi", I'm here, like an old friend, always there, coming out to shine once a month to remind us of its beauty. Hiding behind the mist of the fog again, faint, under wraps. Beautiful. Its face changes from a look of surprise to an earth in reverse, nightlight, like a lighthouse completing the picture of my ever-changing view.

A quiet evening after a whirlwind of a couple weeks, coming together, packing slowly for my trip, trying to keep it light though not quite succeeding, bringing my music, my travel books, my Portuguese language phrasebook so I can say more than just "Obrigada" all day, reading our itinerary, letting the excitement unfold as it doesn't feel quite real yet, thinking, thinking clearly for the first time in awhile as I was too busy to stop and breathe, stop and realize, stop. Starting to feel good again like I can wrap my fingers around my life again instead of feeling it slip through, no control, no light at the end of the tunnel. Seeing the light now finally, like the moon is trying to show me a path to let me know that it's all going to be all right, drinking in a moment of peace. Inhale, exhale.

Honesty Just Flies out of my Mouth

I don't know if it's because my emotions are right there, but when people ask me questions these days, I can't help but to say exactly what's on my mind, totally unfiltered, not even thinking of how it comes out or how it sounds or what the consequences are of my statements. It's like someone gave me a truth pill and I have no room for bullshit, not that I ever did, but this quality is more pronounced now more than ever. I hope it doesn't get me into trouble as I know I am so capable of that right now.

Emotions Right on the Surface

I so easily cry these days since Pepe died - it's like a river dam was weakened and water rushes through any little crack and opens it up. I just can't help it as my emotions are right at the surface. I hear a song that reminds me of someone I miss, the tears come. I hear a first-hand story of a family who was relocated here from New Orleans who lost everything including maybe some family, I cry. I see a picture of a stranded dog in New Orleans waiting for someone to rescue him, I can't help myself. I think of everything that's going on right now and how strong I need to be, tears emerge. I feel pain in my side, I hope and pray that the antibiotics are working, tears again.

But there is some light - a shared experience at the Glide Church with my choir buddy Susan, songs and music that raise my spirits and speak to me, a moment basking in the San Francisco sun feeling the breeze through my hair while sitting in my building courtyard, the Ghirardelli Chocolate Festival and all it's wonderfulness, chocolate-covered strawberries, caramel chocolate sorbet and sundaes topped with chocolate syrup, nuts and a cherry, seeing a familiar face who helped me gain closure for a slightly opened wound, a handsome neighbor opens the door for me and asks me how I am with his beautiful blue eyes and bright smile. Ahh, men - just gotta love 'em.

I'm all right for the most part, I know I'll get through this - but it's just those moments in between that catch me and open up that dam. I'll let the water flow through for now, and with time, the dam will repair itself gaining more strength for whatever comes.

Just Haven't Been in the Mood to Write

Now something must be wrong if Maile doesn't feel like writing...because that is one of my utter joys to get things out, to express what I see, what is going on in this head and heart of mine...but I just haven't been feeling up to it lately, probably for a variety of reasons - work stress, changes in life, death, exhaustion, betrayal, back-stabbing, unnecessary drama, slight depression, feeling a little bad about some of my own actions recently, and of course, I miss Giuliano and want him here, text messages tide me over but I miss his energy, his light, his smile, his eyes, his touch. So, what do I do?

1. Sit in my iJoy massage chair
2. Plan on reading my books on Brasil and Argentina
3. Feel it
4. Keep moving forward
5. Listen to music that fits what I feel inside, intermixing music that might lift me out
6. Bask in the positive effects of seeing "Wicked" last night
7. Eat well, take care of myself, get some rest, take it easy on this beautiful Saturday
8. Make an appointment for a pedicure next weekend before my trip to Rio de Janeiro, Iguassu Falls and Buenos Aires - hmmm, that brought out a moment of lightness in my demeanor.
9. Sing, sing, sing...
10. Look forward to Roman's visit next week

Change Swirls

Change is all around me. As I get a little older, change seems harder to deal with as I seemingly get a bit more set in my ways. Is getting more set in my ways really just knowing what I like and what I dislike more, knowing who I am more and more. Or does it mean that I'm closing off things that could open me up to something new, maybe I don't want to be that pliable anymore. It's a bit of both I suppose, but knowing the difference between when to stop outside influences because they aren't good for me and when to let go and let life change me is something new to master.

Nevertheless, I'm going through so much change now, it's just all swirling around me like a tornado, and all I can do is wait for it to pass to let the dust settle so I can see a little clearer which path I'm supposed to take. I alone hold the reigns that can lead my life, but right now, I just don't have the energy to do anything about it. That's going to have to be ok for now.