New Memories Soon

I have been cleansing spiritually, psychologically, even had my friend do a ritualistic aura cleansing - hey, if it works, I will try anything! As I walked around town today, memories of the last one came rushing back as I passed by familiar spots - damn you hot, good-looking Brazilian...I need to make new memories with the one who is coming very soon, not soon enough, whom I have been waiting for and waiting for. New memories are needed soon to erase everything else and start anew with the one I have been wanting to be with all this time. Hurry! Let me just numb myself with distraction, shopping, spending lots of money on gifts and things I don't really need, and lots of good food so I can run to the gym to workout my stress and emotions til he gets here. Ack!

Marriage and Separation

I am so sad to learn that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey parted ways. As a guilty-pleasure US and People magazine reader or picture-looker, it makes me sad to see this ultra-cute couple break up as I always thought they were such a storybook twosome destined for a long life together in a house full of good-looking strong-voiced singing children. Plus, Jessica is a Cancerian just like me so even though she's a so-called ditzy blonde and is sometimes slightly annoying, I feel an affinity with her.

We don't know what happened behind closed doors, what led to the dissolution of this marriage, God only knows that marriage in this day and age must be hard, especially if two people have such demanding careers that don't allow them to be together to have a marriage. But it still makes me sad because I thought this was one young couple whom I thought would actually make it through after a longterm relationship and three years of marriage. It is also too bad that it had to happen right around the holidays when big life changes have a tendency to happen, but the holidays make it triple-hard and more lonely than ever. Good luck and good will to them during these times.

The Game of Love - by Santana and Michelle Branch

Tell me just what you want me to be
One kiss and boom you're the only one for me
So please tell me why don't you come around no more
Cause right now I'm crying outside the door of your candy store

[Chorus:]
It just takes a little bit of this
A little bit of that
It started with a kiss
Now we're up to bat
A little bit of laughs
A little bit of pain
I'm telling you, my babe
It's all in the game of love

This, whatever you make it to be
Sunshine set on this cold lonely sea
So please baby try and use me for what I'm good for
It ain't sayin' goodbye that's knocking down the door of your candy store

[Chorus]
It's all in this game of love
You roll me
Control me
Console me
Please hold me
You guide me
Divide me
Into what...

[Guitar solo]
Make me feel good, yeah

So please tell me why don't you come around no more
Cause right now I'm dying outside the door of your loving store

[Repeat Chorus]

It's all in this game of love
It's all in the game of love
Yeah, in the game of love

Roll me
Control me
Please hold me
(make me feel good, yeah)

Love Like That

"Love like you've never been hurt before"...or else how are you going to stretch your boundaries and explore new territory where you can actually find true love? We have all been hurt, we all want to protect ourselves from feeling that utterly lowdown feeling ever again, but anything in life that can possibly unveil a huge reward that can escalate us to a brand new level requires risk. Yeah, I'm scared of getting hurt of feeling vulnerable once again, but if my gut and everything in me says to keep going forward, I will step forward with faith, a tiny bit of caution, but a truckload of courage. Keep on, keep on...

You Were Right

A few weeks have gone by and I've had time to mull it all over, what happened, what you said, and how you are much more intelligent and logical than I ever could be. You were right. I admit that...and that's hard for a stubborn woman like me. But I see it now all clearly, and I am ready to try to move forward at a different level if you're still willing. I hope you haven't forgotten about me and I hope you don't think I'm nutso, just got swept off my feet by a very good-looking, charming man...anybody would, any red-blooded woman would fall for you, and I sure did, fast and furious. I sure don't blame myself, and I don't have any regrets, not one. And if I could do it all over again... hee hee, well, let's not go there. ;)

So Un-American

All it takes is one good trip out of this country to see the beauty that is outside of our borders, the joy in life that the rest of the world embraces even though they don't have the technology, money and material goods that we do. They deeply appreciate what they have to the fullest, to the last grain - not like us where we take things for granted, rush through life, ignore each other, not bothering to acknowledge the life and breathing of our sisters and brothers, we don't have patience for each other, we don't stop and listen and try to understand, simple continuity of community and communication.

All it took was one trip to Costa Rica for me to open my eyes and awaken my senses, relax the core of me, and allow me to see how I am living my life unnecessarily stressed and stretched. I seek that wondrous wide-eyed feeling I had during and after that fateful trip constantly in this often cold world of ours where people knock my shoulders as they walk by and don't allow me my personal space so I can live and breathe sanely healthily as I'd like to be in my own existence. My latest trip to Rio de Janeiro only reinforced that same feeling I captured and embraced in Costa Rica. I need to move and get out of this, painfully leaving my family, but hopefully gaining so much more in love, life and health.

I am a woman of simple means even though it doesn't look like it. I could do without all of this, let it go in second if it could mean that I could live the kind of life I want with someone special to my heart to grow old with without the stress of this fast-paced, lonely life that is destined for me if I stay here where I am.

The Great Cleansing

A deep-seated cleansing is needed right now as I have a feeling I am about to embark on my biggest adventure yet. I should learn from my own words as I read my not-so-past blogs when I was high as kite in love and in life when everything seemed to be all really good, falling into place, fair warnings from my friends who could probably say "told you so" now. I avoid those people now, and only do what is good for me to cleanse, let go and recover from the repercussions of this life of mine. I choose to live hard, so I must recover hard gathering all my resources using my own gumption all within my own timeframe.

Food for Thought

For the past week, all I want to do is eat. It must be some kind of coping skill, but I just cannot stop. And what is worse, I went to the market a couple days ago to stock up and I am eating everything in sight. I work out everyday to balance it out, but man, I just cannot stop thinking about my next meal. Let's see...what am I having for breakfast, lunch and dinner today?

Commitment Phobe Patterns

The only books I have finished are anything written by Maya Angelou because they are so complex, inspirational, ingeniously written to keep my eyes moving to the end. But, I have a pile of books, I buy, read the first couple chapters, put down and then never pick up again. Then, I forget what I read and resign myself that I have to read the book from the beginning but never do. A pile of books in a book graveyard; I guess they never really held my attention.

I took a taiko drum class this summer, paid for a month, only went for a month, was so excited in the beginning at banging out my frustrations on a big fat drum, and then I just dropped out. I auditioned and started to practice with the Glide gospel choir, loved it, my dream, belted out with the group and was working my way onto singing with the full congregational gospel choir on a regular Sunday service. I left for my trip to South America right at the juncture and then never went back to practice, things kept coming up, work travel, too tired, emotional outbursts. I still need to make myself go because I still want to do it, but...

I met one in Costa Rica, instant connection, love, but plans kept getting pushed back, waiting, months and months go by, frustration, feelings starting to wane, fading, forgetting how it was, only 3 days to base the future on... and bam! I met another one, unexpectedly, out of the blue, young, Brazilian, hot, and, uh...who? Forgotten, temporarily...boom, bam, boom, then done, email from the first and I'm back again, still holding a torch for the second though...oy...

Tired and exhausting, not only for me, but for everyone else because no one can keep up, including me. Plans change, feelings come and go and come back again, just go with the flow, managing, taking a rest for now... That is the life of Maile, what can I say?

Leave Me Alone

I just want to be alone to process my feelings, to rest, relax and just be. Sorry nothing personal, but I need to be left to my own devices at this time to gather my life together again and put things back where they belong, where they were before the whirlwind hurricane that just hit me. Give me room to breathe and just be Maile without worrying about anyone else's feelings but my own. It may seem selfish but this is what I need right now. Thank you.

Fly Away

He's gone...

It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing - by Shania Twain

Hope life's been good to you
since you've been gone
I'm doin' fine now - I've finally moved on
It's not so bad - I'm not that sad

I'm not suprised just how well I've survived
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can't complain - I'm free again

Chorus:
And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath - to forget

Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right
I've never looked back - as a matter of fact

Repeat Chorus

It only hurts when I breathe

Mmm, no, I've never looked back -
as a matter of fact

Repeat Chorus

Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming
It only hurts when I breathe

On the Verge of Forgiveness

As I sat on the Union Square steps today watching the Macy's display guy paint the front red for the upcoming holidays, soaking in the sun and feeling slightly sorry for myself, I contemplated what my next step would be. I have been up and down, crying sometimes, talking to friends, writing my blogs, listening to music that speaks to me, letting it all flow out. Towards the end of the hour as I sat, the sun turned to clouds and then drops of rain. As looked up at the sky, I remembered my hairdresser saying that just like all rainstorms, this will soon be over. And it did, it passed as I sat there now slightly damp.

After this moment of silent contemplation, I somehow find myself now on the verge of forgiveness, just ever so slightly on the upswing, a very baby tiny step. I miss him so much, and I wonder if he misses me, thinks of me - but now I am able to smile a little when I think of him, a tiny miracle in itself. I don't know if I'll ever see him again, talk to him, hear his cute accent, but at least I have some sweet memories to take and hold all my very own. No one can take that away from me as I continue to take baby steps forward, letting go and feeling the relief and release that comes with forgiveness.

Coming Clean

Please go, leave. I'm sorry but I just can't take it that you're still here roaming the City, walking around my same area, working right where I pass everytime I go towards Union Square, I go by praying and praying that you won't happen to come out, your general direction is right in my view. Go. Go to NYC, be alone, be, go go away. I can't breathe.

"In love I trust I put my faith
To make me happy to keep me safe
In you I see the brightest star
That burns inside me and breaks my heart
And when I cry the deepest hurting
Cleans my soul relieves my burden
In you I find a way to lose myself
Thrill me baby I need nothing else"

It would've smashed me into smithereens but then it would've eventually been easier if you said "I'm not into you" or "You're not my type", but no, you said, "I like you..." without a "but", just simply that...but it's not the right time. You weren't trying to do anything to mess with my head, you were just being honest and telling me how you feel...just give me a slow death to my heart...it touches me that I touched your heart...enough to make you let me go...

I'm just biding my time in the meantime until you leave, keeping busy and just trying to breathe. Breathe, Maile, breathe.

"Sex" Therapy

"Then I had a thought, maybe I didn't break Big, maybe the problem was he couldn't break me. Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with." - Carrie Bradshaw, "Sex and the City", Season Two

Struggle for Zzzzz's

For the last month or so I have not had a good night's sleep. I can't remember the last time I slept through the whole night without waking up and staring at the ceiling for a couple hours at 2AM, 3AM, 4AM...affecting my energy and the rest of the day, not getting enough sleep night after night, snowballing into a sleep-deprived out-of-it Maile who cannot fully function. Maybe my little studio has too much energy in it to let me snooze peacefully, maybe there is too much on my mind, too many emotions constantly flying around in this mind and body of mine, what do I need to do to calm it so I can rest...get some zzzzz's. Just please let me get some zzzzz's...maybe it is time to talk to my doctor about a sleep prescription.

I Will Let You Go

A moment of clarity this morning told me to let you go, let you fly, let you find your way just like I did, just like I was given the chance to flap my wings, fall, flap again and again til I reached full flight on my own. You will too. An unexpected connection took place here that was intensely unbelievable and just what I needed at the time, given a bright light beacon in the dark, given the gift of you, I was given to you too. But now I will cup you in my hands like a white dove and lift you up to the skies gently to begin your momentum and release you to fly to heights that you have only dreamt of and envisioned so clearly. Let the energy and forces in your wings pump and resonate through you taking you away from me but with the love and caring that I have given you so willingly and so unconditionally. Fly baby fly as I let you go and you become smaller and smaller in the distance. I will remember you always, forever here.